The Adventures of Ellie and Mac, Continued
I tried writing this post but it was just gross, so I'm writing again to make my amends.
(Rhyme)
California is a wonderful place full of joy and magic and sunshine and sweat and bikinis and smog. Also, I love it.
For our New Years, my family and I traveled to California by car (death) to escape the cold and get sunburned and go to Disneyland. I'm only going to touch on a few experiences that I had and the feelings that accompanied those experiences.
First: Driving on the freeway. (Haha, what an exciting life I lead.) We passed the exit to Mac's town. I teared up a little bit but managed to hold it in.
That first night, I went outside on the driveway and stood in the exact spot where Mac and I had been. That driveway was the last place I saw Mac alive. Somehow, being there made me feel closer to him, more connected to his spirit, and more in tune with my own. I spent many lonely nights out there, channeling my sadness and trying to find my happiness again.
Second: The temple. I had the blessed opportunity to attend the Los Angeles Temple with my Arcadia Stake kids (love and kisses, hrrm hrrm). I was half hoping for an amazing revelation that made all the sadness go away, but I also knew that's not how God works, so I went expecting nothing. When I left, however, I had more strength, more support, and a quiet peace inside me, helping me along the bumpy path ahead.
Third: Karaoke night. I have friends (what!!) in California. Their names are Billy, Carolyn, Stephanie, Danielle, Zachary, Curtis, and Alexis. They are my strength. I have never loved a group of individuals as much as I love them. One night, Billy had a party (I was the guest of honor, aww). We played Dance Central on Kinect and Just Dance on the Wii. Then we reaaally got the party started when Billy pulled out karaoke (thanks, McG). We had fun with some Queen, some T. Swift, etc... Then we pulled out the Coldplay (cue tears of joy and sorrow, woo). First four of us sang "Fix You". Such a great song with a beautiful message. Then I requested a solo, "The Scientist". Before I began, I said, "For Mac." Everyone kinda grinned and giggled and "aww"ed. I started singing and everything got really quiet. The spirit in that room was undeniable. It felt so good to finally let out all the emotion that I had been holding in for so many days.
(Rhyme)
California is a wonderful place full of joy and magic and sunshine and sweat and bikinis and smog. Also, I love it.
For our New Years, my family and I traveled to California by car (death) to escape the cold and get sunburned and go to Disneyland. I'm only going to touch on a few experiences that I had and the feelings that accompanied those experiences.
First: Driving on the freeway. (Haha, what an exciting life I lead.) We passed the exit to Mac's town. I teared up a little bit but managed to hold it in.
That first night, I went outside on the driveway and stood in the exact spot where Mac and I had been. That driveway was the last place I saw Mac alive. Somehow, being there made me feel closer to him, more connected to his spirit, and more in tune with my own. I spent many lonely nights out there, channeling my sadness and trying to find my happiness again.
Second: The temple. I had the blessed opportunity to attend the Los Angeles Temple with my Arcadia Stake kids (love and kisses, hrrm hrrm). I was half hoping for an amazing revelation that made all the sadness go away, but I also knew that's not how God works, so I went expecting nothing. When I left, however, I had more strength, more support, and a quiet peace inside me, helping me along the bumpy path ahead.
Third: Karaoke night. I have friends (what!!) in California. Their names are Billy, Carolyn, Stephanie, Danielle, Zachary, Curtis, and Alexis. They are my strength. I have never loved a group of individuals as much as I love them. One night, Billy had a party (I was the guest of honor, aww). We played Dance Central on Kinect and Just Dance on the Wii. Then we reaaally got the party started when Billy pulled out karaoke (thanks, McG). We had fun with some Queen, some T. Swift, etc... Then we pulled out the Coldplay (cue tears of joy and sorrow, woo). First four of us sang "Fix You". Such a great song with a beautiful message. Then I requested a solo, "The Scientist". Before I began, I said, "For Mac." Everyone kinda grinned and giggled and "aww"ed. I started singing and everything got really quiet. The spirit in that room was undeniable. It felt so good to finally let out all the emotion that I had been holding in for so many days.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start...
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start...
It's hard for me to admit, but I miss Mac. Most days are fine. I'm able to go through my day and not think about it too deeply. But other days drag on and as soon as I'm alone, I lose it.
Once upon a time I was happy. Now I'm just trying to get it back together. At this point, I can't say I love life. It depends what kind of day I'm having, really, but most of the time life is... Meh.
Anyways.
Fourth: Mall trip. I went to the mall where Mac and I went on our first date. It felt so... Empty. Everything was the same, but different at the same time. (Deep.) Every where we went, there would be a couple walking and holding hands and I just thought, "You make me sick to my face." (Psych quote, btdubbs.) We passed the Borders, which is now a different bookstore, and I took a moment and let it all in.
 | |
| Last time I was here, was with Mac. |
That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Being somewhere without the person you loved most, not able to relive those experiences, is extremely painful.
Hahaha... I'm being super weepy right now. Lemme just inject some funny up in hurr.
"It's funny because the squirrel gets dead."
Haha, oh, Dug.
Anyways...
That night I visited Mac's town and met some of his closest friends. That night was... Interesting. Everyone was so kind and welcoming to me, they did all they could and more to make me feel loved. But that night as I got home I just broke down because I just did not belong there. I had no right or reason to be there. No one was making me feel that way, but I had no purpose being there. I couldn't help any of those people move on or share their feelings because they had all the support they needed and I was basically clogging up their space. I felt so terrible that night, for not helping myself and not helping those people.
Isn't my life cool? (Lawlz)
Fifth: DINNEYLAAAAAN :D (Disneyland). All I can say is, after 16 hours of walking and standing I wanted to cut off my feet. But it was worth it. Disneyland is a magical place of joy and wonder.
Sixth: My last Sunday in California. We had a mini photo shoot after church in the Young Woman's room. Not many people have felt this before, but there is a certain ache that you feel for people that you have a special connection with when you are away from them. (Did that make ANY sense at all?) I just can't describe with words how much I want to be with them again.
GAHHHH. If you live in California, I miss you desperately and in a creepy way. I'm counting down the days til I get to see you again! Which is in, like, 5 and a half months!
Which is, like, a long time.
Sigh...
Seventh: The Dream. *BUM BUM* I was having a bum night. It was actually a really crappy night. So before I fell asleep, I just said, "Lord, bless me with sweet dreams and help me be happy again." That night I had a strange dream. I was standing in a field near my neighborhood. It was kind of dark, but I could see a plane parked next to me and out walked Mac! In the flesh! (In my dream!) So like, dream flesh! (Weird.) Anyways, he and his dad came out and it was a whole new adventure. We didn't really do anything, we just sat and talked. I know it was just a dream, it wasn't real enough to be, ya know, real, but what a blessing that Heavenly Father knew I needed something to lift me up that night. He sent me another experience with Mac, even if it wasn't total reality. But I got to see him again! :) Mmm. New phrase from that night: I'm having a Mac Attack!!
Bam. Done. Now I am off to Facebook (I have a life, totes). I apologize for the lateness of this post, my new schedule this semester is SUPES busy and I don't have easy access to the interwebs at all times. Next post will be short-ish and about men, so please stay tuned for next time!
Love and kisses,
Ellie the Bolander
Fifth: DINNEYLAAAAAN :D (Disneyland). All I can say is, after 16 hours of walking and standing I wanted to cut off my feet. But it was worth it. Disneyland is a magical place of joy and wonder.
Sixth: My last Sunday in California. We had a mini photo shoot after church in the Young Woman's room. Not many people have felt this before, but there is a certain ache that you feel for people that you have a special connection with when you are away from them. (Did that make ANY sense at all?) I just can't describe with words how much I want to be with them again.
GAHHHH. If you live in California, I miss you desperately and in a creepy way. I'm counting down the days til I get to see you again! Which is in, like, 5 and a half months!
Which is, like, a long time.
Sigh...
Seventh: The Dream. *BUM BUM* I was having a bum night. It was actually a really crappy night. So before I fell asleep, I just said, "Lord, bless me with sweet dreams and help me be happy again." That night I had a strange dream. I was standing in a field near my neighborhood. It was kind of dark, but I could see a plane parked next to me and out walked Mac! In the flesh! (In my dream!) So like, dream flesh! (Weird.) Anyways, he and his dad came out and it was a whole new adventure. We didn't really do anything, we just sat and talked. I know it was just a dream, it wasn't real enough to be, ya know, real, but what a blessing that Heavenly Father knew I needed something to lift me up that night. He sent me another experience with Mac, even if it wasn't total reality. But I got to see him again! :) Mmm. New phrase from that night: I'm having a Mac Attack!!
Bam. Done. Now I am off to Facebook (I have a life, totes). I apologize for the lateness of this post, my new schedule this semester is SUPES busy and I don't have easy access to the interwebs at all times. Next post will be short-ish and about men, so please stay tuned for next time!
Love and kisses,
Ellie the Bolander
Comments
Post a Comment