Ellie's Feelings Deli

Being in Rexburg for the last year has been the one of the harder experiences of my life. Adjusting to Rexburg from Provo was hard. My depression and anxiety spiked drastically when I got married, and I felt completely alone and isolated in a town where I had little to no support. When I tried to reach out and explain my frustrations and my heartache, I was told: "Well, at least you're married" and "You can't complain because you have a husband. I'm single and life is so much harder when you're single." (what) "BYU-I is better and if you don't like it you should just move." (what?) "I'm offended that you don't like it here. I love it, so why shouldn't you?" (what???) And my favorite, "Maybe you don't like it here because you're having ~spiritual issues." (WTF??????) These were people I barely knew, people I hadn't talked to in months, people I did not regularly talk to, people who knew n...

I read my call, and it told me I was going to Uruguay. Awesome. But then I kept reading. And it said, "You have been found as one worthy to serve..." That felt weird. I didn't feel worthy. What does that even mean, being worthy? It's tricky, I think. Trickier than just saying, you're worthy vs you're unworthy. Because when I think of being worthy, I think of how I would feel standing in front of God. And honestly, I don't think anything I do could make me feel worthy of that. So what does that mean? Being "worthy" means having merit, being a person of merit, as oppose to having worth, which means being valued, appreciated, and noble. And the thing is that people constantly mix the two together, especially in certain religious cultures, where you are deemed "unworthy" and looked down on because of something you've done. But unworthy of what? A wonderful realization that I've come to this week is that we are never, ever,...

I literally have no introduction to this post so it's probably gonna jump around a lot and be sad but you know, the Ellie Bolander way is the way of the yolo so... #yolo Today (now yesterday) was May the 4th (May the 4th be with you) and it was a blast, we dressed up and got together and watched A New Hope (arguably the best of the original trilogy) and actually spent most of the night talking about boys but what else do you expect? Nerd girls have the most active hormones, I'm pretty sure. I know for a fact they have the most pent-up sexual frustration from all their love for fictional men, but hey, at least we have fun. I've also met the coolest (and cutest) dudes because of my obnoxious  encyclopedic knowledge of all things Marvel, Doctor Who, and Hobbit. (Not LotR, unfortunately, I'm still not quite hardcore enough to delve all the way into that trilogy. Tolkein is still a little too over my head.) I just reread what I just typed and I'm not even sure. SO ANY...

First off, SHOUT OUTS. Sometimes people ask me to mention them in a blog post so I do. Emily Vasas and Holly Daley: 'Sup, gurls. Word to your mother. Holla. Peace. *wink* And now on to the actual blog post. Sundays are my favorite days. Actually, Wednesdays are, but for the sake of this post, Sundays are my favorite days. The Sabbath day, the day of rest, gives us a chance to relax and reflect and rejuvenate our spirits. And there isn't a person on this planet who doesn't need or deserve that chance. This past week I've been reflecting on the life of Jesus Christ as illustrated by the New Testament, including his Atonement, his death, and his resurrection. In our seminary (bible study) class, we've been studying those chapters in the four gospels about the last week of Jesus's life. And in church lately we've been discussing the Godhead, composed of Heavenly Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Today the question asked in our young wo...

"new year new me lol" ~ every girl on Facebook Unfortunately I'm doing exactly that... It's a new year, and there has to be a new me. I believe in change, a constant desire to better yourself. You can still be confident in yourself and your abilities but have a goal to be a better person, because there's always room for improvement. After an utterly horrid start to senior year, I've had to change a lot of things. I dug myself into a very deep, very dangerous hole and I've been working for the past three weeks to not only climb back out, but to fill that hole up so there's no chance I can fall back in like I did before. Anyways. I have a lot of things that need to change if I want to achieve the big-headed, ambitious goals that I have. Starting with my sadness. I've been trying to pin point where these depressive moods are coming from. I have a few theories, but it's a big messy mixture of lots of things... Led by guilt and self-loathing...

I've been struggling for the past... Heck, it's been almost two months. For the past six weeks I've had a crushing weight on my mind that hasn't seemed to go away until today. This afternoon, actually. Life has been a whirlwind of busy work for the past two weeks, what with finals for the past forever, and so I've had little time to regard things that aren't homework, exams, papers, and notes. But... Tonight I feel... Calm. Calmish, I should say. I don't have the blessing of total relaxation because I'm an insecure teenage girl and I hate waiting for a return text. Because that totally matters tonight, haha. Christmas has always been super exciting, right? You want to sleep next to the tree and catch Santa putting all the presents there, and you wake up before the sun to see what the fat man with the beard brought you. This year is different, though. This year I'm grown up. *gulp* At first I thought it was just me, but talking with friend...