These Things Will Change

. . . And man, do I hope they do.

So I'm sitting here at my computer working on some sheets. Sheet music, that is. I finally decided on a project for Young Women in Excellence, a little program we do once a year to show off all the pretty things we made from Pinterest and what we've accomplished. I'm excited because I get to show off my piano music I've been working on for the past year, which means finishing three songs in one day!

Like a boss.

So that should be tricky. But anyways, I am not writing this to brag about my talents. I'm writing to let out my frustrations and also talk about Thanksgiving!

So we'll start with the happy, non-frustrating things.

THANKSGIVING! One of the greatest holidays there is, I think. A whole week to celebrate food and worry about weight. Awesome.

But really, Thanksgiving is fantastic. Last Sunday, I was in this kind of emotional funk and I wasn't sure how exactly to get out of it. I was trapped in the sad.

"Nooo, Ellie, why would you be trapped in the sad?"

Because reasons. I'll get to that later.

But anyways, I was sitting in church and two awesome people who I love very much spoke about gratitude, and it was like a light switch went off in my head, like, Oh! I gotta count my blessings!

So right there in Sacrament Meeting I was thinking about all the wonderful blessings I have, and I was lifted out of the funk and into the liiiiiiight. (That was meant to be sung.)

It was awesome! I was so. . . Mm. I don't really know the words, but everything seemed brighter and my smile wasn't forced and I felt goooood. (Not meant to be sung.)

But then the light was dimmed again because. . .


I don't really want to talk about it. . . But. . .

Someone I care about very much has been having a really hard time lately, and I've been trying my best to make them feel loved and to help them out because man, life is tough and it's no fun to walk alone. But. . . Am I just an annoying person?

Like, on a scale from tiny stirring straw to black hole, how much do I suck?

Hahahahaha. . . Hahahaha. . . Haha. . . Ha.

But really, I try to help and I try to explain my frustrations but it just comes off as... Clingy. *shudder*

That is the absolute last thing I want to be. And I have been very good about that becaaaaauuuuse. . .

 In this relationship of sorts that I'm in, at first I was scared. I mean, look at my track record. I'm really good at losing people. I'm also really good at not even having people to lose in the first place.

But it's horribly depressing. I went through so many relationships (platonic and romantic) that just tore me apart because I didn't use logic or sense or anything smart. I jumped right in with my already wounded, fragile heart and got ripped to shreds. And that hurts. After enough times of that, I gave up. I convinced myself that I was going to be forever alone, and I was content with that, because getting hurt over and over and over didn't make it seem worth it.

But then this guy showed up. . . *giggleblush*

This guy showed up and at first I was really tentative. Like, I dunno, dudes are usually jerks to me and I've kind of given up on dating, but okay. I went with it because I figured if it didn't work out, I wouldn't be horribly heartbroken, cursing men and sobbing on the floor.

It seemed safe. And you know what, it is. This guy did everything I loved and more. He made me feel loved and important, and he believes in me. What I love about our relationship is that we are friends first. We can talk about anything for hours, and I just love it. We're best friends.

But lately things have been off, and at first that freaked me out. I was really worried that I would have to lose someone AGAIN. (Freaking again??)

So I thought about that. What would I do when I had to let him go? And I realized that loss is what pushes change. Losing is what pushes us lower so that we can spring higher than we ever imagined. And now I'm okay with letting him go, even if it hurts.

But right now, it does hurt, and I haven't let go. I care about him so much, but things have been hard lately and I don't think he gets how much it's hurting me that we feel so distant. I just don't know what to do.

The song "Should I Stay or Should I Go" comes to mind.

I care about him very much and I want to be his support and confidant, but if he doesn't want that, then I have to go.

There is no point in holding on if it becomes more of a burden than a blessing.

I love that thought, because I think too many people don't think about what is actually good for them. They want to stay in a relationship, whether it be with a person, or a group of friends, or even an addiction. It is killing you slowly, but you're too stubborn to let go. And I think what you can learn is that just because you love something, doesn't mean it actually makes you happy.

I don't think I'm in love, but I do care very deeply for this individual. I just hope he can understand that I want him to let me be there for him. I am trying so hard to be the best I can be, and I am trying to not be selfish and to give him space, but. . .

I just miss him and I miss us and I want that to change so that we can get back into the swing of things. I don't really know how to put it in words, but I just msfdmmstgksjkjhksjh.

*Sigh* I'm just gonna keep on keeping on. One day I'll be content.

And you know what, dear reader, you will too.

Much Love,
Ellie