Dear The Internet...

Wow, I'm the crappiest blogger ever. Because if you haven't noticed, my last post was almost 5 months ago.

#winning

Well, I'm back. And hopefully here to stay. Hold in your wailing and gnashing of teeth, you thought you were rid of me but I'm not going anywhere. So suck it.

Ughjshgt;kahtjksgh this is how professional I am at writing, guys. I just hit the keyboard a few times while I cry and I just ugh.

There are going to be a lot of "ugh"s in this post. Brace yourselves.

UGH. Okay. Wow. Hello, angsty gross me. It's been a while.

Alright, now that all that's out and I'm mostly done crying we're gonna actually talk about some stuff. Well, actually, I'm gonna talk about some stuff and you're gonna read about it and gossip to your friends about me and my fabulous sweaters and how I get all fangirly because Doctor Who and Avengers and Loki and

I don't remember where I was going with that so I just stopped. A huge apology to Taylor Mefford who is probably having an aneurism from all the Tumblrese

no capitals

no punctuation

nuffing

just pure sarcasm

and the interwebs

(hey Taylor are you freaking out yet)

Yay for maturity.

Well... I guess this is a post to remind all of you that I'm still alive, mhm, this blog still exists, and that life continues to travel on this ridiculous roller coaster of really lame ups and then insanely horrifying downs.

This month... It's really really difficult to explain, and it's actually really personal (hahaha... More personal than the stuff I normally post about) so I'll just give a really vague description and complain a little bit and then you guys will feel mostly confused but also maybe a little bit sad for me and then we can all go home and catch up on Doctor Who.

Well, basically I gotta go break some hearts this weekend (yay for being a heartless jerkface, because that always ends well) and then yesterday I got my heart inadvertently broken (for probably the two hundredth time because, you know, reasons) and so today I've been moping around not wanting to do anything useful... So instead of brainstorming about my English paper like I should have been doing, I was on Tumblr reblogging my beautiful Avengers and there might have been some Sherlock in there too, just for kicks and giggles... Oh, and then I actually did catch up on Doctor Who and the million other shows that started this week (Castle, Elementary, Bones, Revenge) (cue high-pitched fangirly squeal). Also, I ate some tacos. That had no relevance to anything, but man, bro, they were good tacos.

Oh, wait, I did do something semi-successful! I looked for scholarships because apparently babysitting and teaching piano and watching a lot of television isn't gonna get me through college on the backs of majestic cash stallions, so I guess that was good. Except my internet was shorting out. Maybe it's a sign that I should just hitchhike my way to England and sneak into writing classes there and then meet some British guy and fall in love in a coffee shop and just UGH

Sorry, I got ahead of myself there. Carrying on...

But, college. Blech. I mean, I'm beyond stoked to graduate and go do real things on my own with my life. I can do whatever the actual crap I want to. How horrifying exciting is that? My struggle for the past who knows how long has been picking the right college. BYU, the stereotypical Mormon dream where every girl gets engaged at 18 and has three kids by the time she's 20? (Not meant to offend anyone, it's just... That happens all the time sometimes.) Or maybe SVU, the hipster liberal arts school where kids go to be "different" than the rest of the Mormon crowd? Or maybe I have a rich distant relative who will give me a bunch of money so I can go to Cambridge! (British school with British people in a British house on a British street, ahhhh *flailing*.) WHO KNOWS. (Probably BYU, it's close and it's cheap. So there ya go.)

New life plan of the week, though, it's exciting: Go to college at BYU somewhere thrilling and learn about writing and music and stuff then go off to graduate school in ENGLAND AND DO WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT AFTER THAT.

WOW ELLIE, GOOD LIFE PLAN.

FOOL-PROOF FER SURE.

YOU'RE A WINNER, WE'RE ALL PROUD.

What am I even... Brskelglfhgj.

That is an accurate description of how I feel right now.

Also, I'm brilliant, in case you didn't already deduce that. Hrrm hrrm.

SO ANYWAYS, my head is pounding and I can't even spell anything right, hahaha. It's a party over up in hurr (by myself in my office with my computer and some abandoned sheet music).

Sighhh... Now to some other stuff. Some deep stuff. Here we go again.

This weekend has been... Rough, to say the least. I was emotionally hurt in a way I didn't think possible, but it happened. (Wow, Ellie, great job on specificity, we totally know what you mean by that!) Okay, sorry, it's just weird personal stuff, okay. Deep dark secret stuff, okay.

*Shifty eyes*

I wonder if I can put reaction GIFs in my blog post... Let's find out!!

YEEEHEEHEESSS. This is exactly what I wanted. Deep dark secret stuff. Man, what a great end to a crappy day. Laying around all day, depressed about the rejection I experienced that hurt me very deep in my soul, and now I discover I can insert my reaction GIFs into my posts WHENEVER I WANT. BECAUSE I DO WHAT I WANT, AWW YISS.


Seriously, this is so great, I'm freaking out a little bit. Check out those shifty Loki eyes up in there. That's exactly what I wanted. Aww, man. This is so good. So, so good.

Brace yourselves, the reaction GIFs are coming. Hrrm hrrm.

Oh yeah, and they're all gonna be Loki GIFs.

Ehehehe, I AM THE BAD GUY. *Twirls mustache* Man, this is so so good. I'm never gonna get over this. I will always just be crying excited and just UGH. YES. THIS IS SO SO GOOD.

I WANT MORE GIFS OH MAN I AM SERIOUSLY LIKE WHAT IS THIS EVEN

AUGHHHH I AM SO EXCITE

SO EXCITE

Wow, I'm hilarious.

Yeahhh let's get some Supernatural GIFs up in hurr.

No, guys... This is amazing. I'm am literally just in awe of the GIFS. ALL THE GIFS. My life is a little complete, and all the disappointment I faced yesterday has kind of melted a little.

But now I'm thinking about it again and it's all flooding back and iT HURTS.

But now I'm happy because Benny Cumberbatch. Yayyy. :)

Aww man, guys, I'm so happy. Am I being totally bipolar right now? I feel loopy. Maybe I'm dehydrated. Ugh, I keep spelling everything wrong, what is even happening to me.

Oh, I was supposed to talk about something depressing... Right. Here we go again (again).

For whatever reasons my brain has (and has been kind enough to not inform me of these reasons) it decided to shut off all the love hormones or whatever you wanna call it. So, basically, at this moment, I like no one (unless Tom Hiddleston). Now, you're probably thinking, "Ellie, you lieface. You are full of lies and there is no way you like no one because this is YOU we are talking about and you're awful and I hate you and you hate you and evERYBODY HATES YOU OKAY, STOP LYING TO YOURSELF."

Sorry, voices in my head... They're really rude.

Well, believe it, Voices. SUCK ON THAT. I am man free. This little bird can't be tied down cuz I'm an independent white chick who don't need no man

Just Tom Hiddleston

So, right, no men. No crushes. Men are peasants. Unless they're, ya know, way too old for me and there is no possibility of me being with them, in any way shape or form, ever, in the history of anything, at all. Right, good.

Well, last night after I got unknowingly hurt by a guy that I may or may not had sort of weird uncomfortable "I'm not really sure what's happening and I like to contradict myself all the time" feelings for, okay, I was laying in my bed with my depression playlist floating in the background and thinking about Mac.

Aight, I haven't really deeply thought about him since probably May of this year, okay. So almost five months of no scary, depressive, mentally threatening thoughts or feelings. That's cool, right?

Well, last night. I'm laying there crying, thinking about how rough life has been for the past few weeks, and it just hits me. Out of nowhere, this overwhelming Mac-ness. Like, remember how I said that I like no man (and then contradicted myself five sentences later)? I just... It's been over a year since I've seen Mac. It's been months since I've thought so deeply about him that it hurt. And last night definitely hurt. It was just this emptiness in my chest that I haven't felt in a long time.

Imagine it like this. You fall off your bike (because bikes should always be a large part of every person's childhood). You scrape your knee up reaaal good, and it stings like poop. You do the limp of shame home, half dragging your bike beside you, and your mom helps you clean your leg up while you sit on the kitchen counter, dribbling snot and tears all over your t-shirt. Okay, so fast forward a few months. You've mostly forgotten (or blocked out) the scarring memory of The Crash, and the scarred scab doesn't bother you at all. Well, one day in those few months later you're riding your bike again and hit your knee with your pedal (oh man, I seriously hate it when that happens, just UGH). When the pedal and your knee make contact, you feel the fresh sting of that scrape all those months ago and you kind of yelp and that awful memory you forgot about comes flooding back and the scar starts to sting and it doesn't bleed but it's definitely scratched again and it hurts so bad and you're like, "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME."

So yeah, that's basically what went down, except the bike is Mac and the crash is death and the pedal is my depression and the "you" I refer to is actually me and your mom is your mom ("your mom" jokes, my favorite) and that's just about it.

But anyways, to make matters even worse, I was Facebook stalking. The statuses and the wall posts and the pictures and all those memories... I remember going on Facebook that night and seeing a wall post that said "I will never forget you and your family, blah blah blah you're in Heaven now" or something horribly depressing like that and just... My heart was just ripped out. The initial shock inhibited me from even crying. This shock only lasted probably four seconds, and then I lost it completely. I have never cried so hard as when I did during those months and months trying to climb over the enormous hill of the loss of my love. Ugh, and I hate saying "love", it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but man, I loved that kid. Of course, looking back I realize how utterly infatuated and blinded I was by his all-together perfection, but even now, man, we were a good pair. Everything about him was just... It just fit so well. We both loved music, specifically playing piano; goofing off and being ridiculously sarcastic; the Gospel in all its perfect simplicity; laughing; kissing (This is a huge factor in relationships, guys. Because I just like to kiss basically all the time.); and enjoying life overall. Those five short weeks in my life were the happiest, and it hasn't been the same since then. I've been flipped over and tossed around and stepped on and all kinds of crazy.

Man, I just miss Mac. He was one of the best guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, what with his stunning smile and gorgeous brown eyes.

Oh heck, I love me brown eyes. Deep chocolate shades make me happeh.

Get it? I'm a creeper so deal with it

AHAHA SO PUNNY

Anyways... I guess my point is, depression doesn't just magically vanish one day. It comes back. Especially if it's connected to an emotionally traumatic moment, man, it can come back in a big way. This is not necessarily a decline in my mental state, but... Rough weekend, man. Pretty heavy stuff to deal with. No bueno.

I don't want to leave on a depressing note, so let me just GIVE YOU SOME AVENGERS GIFS OKAY.

Mm yes good

Guys seriously this is the best, I haven't had this much fun since my Creative Writing class on yesterday okay

Aaaand the absolute best GIF of all time, Avengers AND Gangnam Style all wrapped up in one. So lovely. Mmph.

K wait but this one is pretty awesome

I'm just never gonna stop, I hope you guys like the Avengers because if you haven't noticed I am freakING GOING TO TOWN WITH THIS AWW YISS

I don't know what the heck this is even but I'mma roll with it because LATE NIGHT BLOGGING IS THE BEST BLOGGING

AND THE MOST FREAKY

AND DISTURBING

BUT IT'S FUN IN THE MOMENT

Okay, I'm done for this post, I promise. (But next post is gonna be all Sherlock, brace yourselves.)

Love you guys, thank you SO MUCH for all your wonderful support!! I've gotten so many Facebook messages asking me when the heck am I gonna post again, I guess I'm good at this? Sort of maybe? And at least 15 people on the whole planet like what I write, so I'll keep doing it, just for you fifteen individuals!

And there's a bro hug from me to you. Can I call you my fans? Is that allowed? I don't have a Twitter, so I guess I'm not all that official yet, but... I'll think of a cool name, like... Ellians or something, except not totally lame like Ellians. If you think of something cool hit me up and all the credit goes to you, my friend. The glory is yours. Gold stars for everyone.

It's a little late, so I'm off to actually get some sleep this week! Look at me go! Hope you enjoyed this post, I didn't bother proofreading it at all because guess what, Thor.

Word to yo motha,
"The Ellster", "The Ellinator", "Ellie the Bolander", "Bodacious", "Smelly Ellie", "Babeface" (lol jk no one calls me Babeface), "Hey girl why are you crying get away from me you're super freaky stop being so weird creep face", "Creepface"

GOOD NIIIIGHT EVERYBODY