To the Boys I've Kissed
To accompany this post, you need to put on some headphones and play "Sometime Around Midnight" by the Airborne Toxic Event, and then put on "Sovereign Light Cafe" by Keane next.
Got it? Almost ready? Good.
Now that we have that taken care of, let's talk about BYU. The school year has come to an end, and as I reflect on what crazy shenanigans I took part in, I can't help but feel overjoyed, slightly sorrowful, guilty, and finally consumed with thought. I am now chilling in California enjoying a much-needed break after a ridiculously stressful, emotionally- and spiritually-stretching Freshman year, and deeply missing all the people I met, all the sights and sounds, the mundane tasks that occurred every day from September to April that I didn't think of while I was doing them but now wish I could do again, the mistakes I made, the mistakes I didn't make, and the people I wish I had more time with.
I think the deepest regret a person can have is the things they omit from their lives, whether it be from fear or from apathy or from laziness. That's one reason I have such an obnoxious "yolo" mentality, is because my fear is that I will miss out on opportunities simply because I did not act. And that's one thing that we're judged on, is those many things that we may omit from our lives. It's all right and good if you're not going around murdering people, but are you going out of your way to be kind to people? There are so many instances where someone could have acted and didn't, and so that's why I try to act on every opportunity I get. I don't want to regret missed opportunities.
That being said, there are most definitely opportunities in which I acted that I wish I hadn't yolo'd at all. Maybe if I wasn't so spontaneous and straight-forward I wouldn't have gotten into half the trouble I did this last year. But then again, where's the fun in that? ;) (lol jk literally don't do anything that I do or you will be so so screwed)
(Now kindly switch your music to "All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers, thanks.)
And now to the title of this post, "To the Boys I've Kissed." If you're a boy that I've kissed you're probably wondering, "what's she gonna say" and "does she remember my name" and probably also "did I turn off the stove" to which I say, let me tell you what I'm gonna say, yes of course I remember your name, and I'm not sure, you should probably go check your stove.
I spent a lot of this year worrying about boys and dating. I still am worrying about those things, actually. The worry comes in waves. Most of second semester I wasn't that worried about dating at all, actually, until the very end of the semester when I started worrying again (because of a boy, of course). And I might not have good reason to worry but I have the social constructs of Mormon culture ingrained in my very soul, unfortunately, which causes me as a young adult female to worry more than I probably should about things like marriage, courtship, and falling in love at the tender age of 19. Should I worry about these things? At some point, yes. I should take them seriously at some point. But the level of worry and care I place these matters at is far too much for a 19-year-old mission-bound young woman to deal with. And the whole Mormon culture thing is a whole other topic which I will most likely blog about many times later on in life, as well as write jokes about because let's be real, Mormon culture is the best social commentary/comedy material of all.
BUT ANYWAYS. Some of the boys I kissed are just boys I kissed and I will probably never see them again. Some were strangers who are now good friends. Some were good friends who are still good friends. Some are mistakes. Some are not. Either way, each young man left an impression on me that can never go away, and I will forever remember each's impact on my life, and their influence on my Freshman experience.
But what I would really like to say to you reading this is that you were not a goal to be made. You were not used to fill a kiss quota. In my yolo mentality, in that moment as we stood face to face a little closer than normal, as we leaned in even closer, I kissed you not because my first thought was "boyfriend" or "marriage" but because you were an individual who I deeply connected with and with whom I wanted to leave a lasting impression. In turn, you left your lasting impression on me, maybe without meaning to.
I have a life philosophy that is to leave every person better than when I found them. Unfortunately I have failed some of you in that respect. To those that I hurt or belittled or tried to change or pushed too hard, I am so sorry. I made a covenant when I was eight years old to take upon me the name of Jesus Christ and to stand as His witness, and in many situations I let my emotions get the best of me and I forgot that covenant (as people often do). I did not do everything in my power to leave the Spirit with you, I did not do everything I could to be strong-willed and to exercise self-mastery, I let my guard down in some situations and allowed you to do the same. I am sorry. The bottom line is that I'm an idiot, I am human, and I fail. But I knew better and I'm still suffering the repercussions of guilt from the fact that I didn't help in the best way that I could, and that way was to be virtuous and be a light, which I not always was.
(Now "Magic" by Coldplay.)
To those who I'm still close with, we cool. We cool.
It just kills me to think that I left someone in a worse state then before. Who am I to hurt another who suffers just as much if not more than I do?
That's what I love about sociology and social sciences, is that as researchers we are able to look at people and see how fragile and individual and unique and afraid and selfish they are, yet still be able to love them and want to take them in and help them. I have that weird thing that girls have where when they meet a guy who has issues they immediately feel drawn to them because they can "fix" them. Now, I never go into a situation thinking of a person as my pet project. They are an individual and I am no better than them. They have strengths that I don't possess, and those strengths can fill in my weaknesses. My strengths can fill their weaknesses as well. It's an awesome symbiotic helpmeet for those who are able to come to terms with their weaknesses.
But anyways, a couple times I was not able to leave a guy better than I found him, not because he didn't want my help, but because I was too selfish and blinded by infatuation to be a force for good. And so I hold on for a long time to that relationship and try to keep it alive, not so I can get anything out of it, but so that individual can get something good out of me in a way that can help them. It might also be my subconscious feeling like I want to be remembered positively so it tries to hold on to those relationships and fix them... I dunno. That's just introspective speculation.
("Ghost Towns" by Radical Face.)
Now I'm just rambling, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess, in a nut shell, I'm saying that I love you, I genuinely care about you, and I hope that our paths cross often throughout life because you are a wonderful person and I don't want to lose your friendship. You have brought something positive to my life and I don't want to lose that. I hope I've brought something positive to yours, and if not, shame on me and you should probably never talk to me again because I've failed. I've failed myself and my God if I haven't left you better in some way, or at least made you think about something new, or think from a different perspective.
("Change Your Mind" by the Killers... It's a Killers kind of night.)
aksdjhfjkfh it's too late for me to even know what I'm doing anymore. I have a lot of feelings and more I want to say but it's that thing that I've done on my blog before where I don't really know how far is too far because I don't know how other people feel about things. *vague thinking aloud* I'll just hold off for now. It's fine.
This is dumb. I'm dumb. Okay. Hope you enjoyed this dumb waste of internet space, uhdsfjkhjkh. Like I've said before, my blog is just kind of my random thoughts in print and it's not always cute or fun, sometimes it emotional Coldplay and dumb late-night Ellie rants begging boys to forgive me and subtly asking them if it's okay to kiss again ahhhh it's fine I hate myself don't worry about it
In other news, I got that ring by spring every Freshman girl is dying for!
Whatever, I'm dumb. Oh, and I changed my blog url to avoid further stalking incidents, so there's that. Please don't give this blog to my stalker lol but really actually don't.
luv 5evr,
Brolander
P.S. If you happen to know any random facts about Andrew Jackson or know anyone who happens to be an Andrew Jackson expert/enthusiast please direct them to me because I may or may not be writing a pseudo-romantic love song about everyone's least favorite president so... there's that. Thanks.
P.P.S. I did not want the last image burned in your mind to be the one above because it's not that cute so here, have a selfie. #notamodel #mightbeamodel #elliehasntkissedadudeintwowholeweeks
Got it? Almost ready? Good.
Now that we have that taken care of, let's talk about BYU. The school year has come to an end, and as I reflect on what crazy shenanigans I took part in, I can't help but feel overjoyed, slightly sorrowful, guilty, and finally consumed with thought. I am now chilling in California enjoying a much-needed break after a ridiculously stressful, emotionally- and spiritually-stretching Freshman year, and deeply missing all the people I met, all the sights and sounds, the mundane tasks that occurred every day from September to April that I didn't think of while I was doing them but now wish I could do again, the mistakes I made, the mistakes I didn't make, and the people I wish I had more time with.
I think the deepest regret a person can have is the things they omit from their lives, whether it be from fear or from apathy or from laziness. That's one reason I have such an obnoxious "yolo" mentality, is because my fear is that I will miss out on opportunities simply because I did not act. And that's one thing that we're judged on, is those many things that we may omit from our lives. It's all right and good if you're not going around murdering people, but are you going out of your way to be kind to people? There are so many instances where someone could have acted and didn't, and so that's why I try to act on every opportunity I get. I don't want to regret missed opportunities.
That being said, there are most definitely opportunities in which I acted that I wish I hadn't yolo'd at all. Maybe if I wasn't so spontaneous and straight-forward I wouldn't have gotten into half the trouble I did this last year. But then again, where's the fun in that? ;) (lol jk literally don't do anything that I do or you will be so so screwed)
(Now kindly switch your music to "All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers, thanks.)
And now to the title of this post, "To the Boys I've Kissed." If you're a boy that I've kissed you're probably wondering, "what's she gonna say" and "does she remember my name" and probably also "did I turn off the stove" to which I say, let me tell you what I'm gonna say, yes of course I remember your name, and I'm not sure, you should probably go check your stove.
I spent a lot of this year worrying about boys and dating. I still am worrying about those things, actually. The worry comes in waves. Most of second semester I wasn't that worried about dating at all, actually, until the very end of the semester when I started worrying again (because of a boy, of course). And I might not have good reason to worry but I have the social constructs of Mormon culture ingrained in my very soul, unfortunately, which causes me as a young adult female to worry more than I probably should about things like marriage, courtship, and falling in love at the tender age of 19. Should I worry about these things? At some point, yes. I should take them seriously at some point. But the level of worry and care I place these matters at is far too much for a 19-year-old mission-bound young woman to deal with. And the whole Mormon culture thing is a whole other topic which I will most likely blog about many times later on in life, as well as write jokes about because let's be real, Mormon culture is the best social commentary/comedy material of all.
BUT ANYWAYS. Some of the boys I kissed are just boys I kissed and I will probably never see them again. Some were strangers who are now good friends. Some were good friends who are still good friends. Some are mistakes. Some are not. Either way, each young man left an impression on me that can never go away, and I will forever remember each's impact on my life, and their influence on my Freshman experience.
But what I would really like to say to you reading this is that you were not a goal to be made. You were not used to fill a kiss quota. In my yolo mentality, in that moment as we stood face to face a little closer than normal, as we leaned in even closer, I kissed you not because my first thought was "boyfriend" or "marriage" but because you were an individual who I deeply connected with and with whom I wanted to leave a lasting impression. In turn, you left your lasting impression on me, maybe without meaning to.
I have a life philosophy that is to leave every person better than when I found them. Unfortunately I have failed some of you in that respect. To those that I hurt or belittled or tried to change or pushed too hard, I am so sorry. I made a covenant when I was eight years old to take upon me the name of Jesus Christ and to stand as His witness, and in many situations I let my emotions get the best of me and I forgot that covenant (as people often do). I did not do everything in my power to leave the Spirit with you, I did not do everything I could to be strong-willed and to exercise self-mastery, I let my guard down in some situations and allowed you to do the same. I am sorry. The bottom line is that I'm an idiot, I am human, and I fail. But I knew better and I'm still suffering the repercussions of guilt from the fact that I didn't help in the best way that I could, and that way was to be virtuous and be a light, which I not always was.
(Now "Magic" by Coldplay.)
To those who I'm still close with, we cool. We cool.
It just kills me to think that I left someone in a worse state then before. Who am I to hurt another who suffers just as much if not more than I do?
That's what I love about sociology and social sciences, is that as researchers we are able to look at people and see how fragile and individual and unique and afraid and selfish they are, yet still be able to love them and want to take them in and help them. I have that weird thing that girls have where when they meet a guy who has issues they immediately feel drawn to them because they can "fix" them. Now, I never go into a situation thinking of a person as my pet project. They are an individual and I am no better than them. They have strengths that I don't possess, and those strengths can fill in my weaknesses. My strengths can fill their weaknesses as well. It's an awesome symbiotic helpmeet for those who are able to come to terms with their weaknesses.
But anyways, a couple times I was not able to leave a guy better than I found him, not because he didn't want my help, but because I was too selfish and blinded by infatuation to be a force for good. And so I hold on for a long time to that relationship and try to keep it alive, not so I can get anything out of it, but so that individual can get something good out of me in a way that can help them. It might also be my subconscious feeling like I want to be remembered positively so it tries to hold on to those relationships and fix them... I dunno. That's just introspective speculation.
("Ghost Towns" by Radical Face.)
Now I'm just rambling, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess, in a nut shell, I'm saying that I love you, I genuinely care about you, and I hope that our paths cross often throughout life because you are a wonderful person and I don't want to lose your friendship. You have brought something positive to my life and I don't want to lose that. I hope I've brought something positive to yours, and if not, shame on me and you should probably never talk to me again because I've failed. I've failed myself and my God if I haven't left you better in some way, or at least made you think about something new, or think from a different perspective.
("Change Your Mind" by the Killers... It's a Killers kind of night.)
aksdjhfjkfh it's too late for me to even know what I'm doing anymore. I have a lot of feelings and more I want to say but it's that thing that I've done on my blog before where I don't really know how far is too far because I don't know how other people feel about things. *vague thinking aloud* I'll just hold off for now. It's fine.
This is dumb. I'm dumb. Okay. Hope you enjoyed this dumb waste of internet space, uhdsfjkhjkh. Like I've said before, my blog is just kind of my random thoughts in print and it's not always cute or fun, sometimes it emotional Coldplay and dumb late-night Ellie rants begging boys to forgive me and subtly asking them if it's okay to kiss again ahhhh it's fine I hate myself don't worry about it
In other news, I got that ring by spring every Freshman girl is dying for!
 |
| By winning it in a game of Skeeball, how most girls snag a man at BYU |
luv 5evr,
Brolander
P.S. If you happen to know any random facts about Andrew Jackson or know anyone who happens to be an Andrew Jackson expert/enthusiast please direct them to me because I may or may not be writing a pseudo-romantic love song about everyone's least favorite president so... there's that. Thanks.
P.P.S. I did not want the last image burned in your mind to be the one above because it's not that cute so here, have a selfie. #notamodel #mightbeamodel #elliehasntkissedadudeintwowholeweeks
 |
@elliebrolander The camera turned itself on I swear #nofilter #somemakeup #white #porcelain #eggshellwhite #offwhite #pinkishwhite #vannawhite #whitepeople |
okay, you are adorable and so is your blog. LOVE the way you write. this post=perfect:)
ReplyDeletexoxoivylauren.blogspot.com