New Beginnings
"new year new me lol" ~ every girl on Facebook
Unfortunately I'm doing exactly that... It's a new year, and there has to be a new me. I believe in change, a constant desire to better yourself. You can still be confident in yourself and your abilities but have a goal to be a better person, because there's always room for improvement.
After an utterly horrid start to senior year, I've had to change a lot of things. I dug myself into a very deep, very dangerous hole and I've been working for the past three weeks to not only climb back out, but to fill that hole up so there's no chance I can fall back in like I did before.
Anyways. I have a lot of things that need to change if I want to achieve the big-headed, ambitious goals that I have. Starting with my sadness.
I've been trying to pin point where these depressive moods are coming from. I have a few theories, but it's a big messy mixture of lots of things... Led by guilt and self-loathing, my favorite! *sarcasm*
After looking at the dumb mistakes I made and the pain they brought me, it brought me to an interesting conclusion. Remembering the pain that I felt at Mac's death, that was a very different pain. That pain was brought on by loss, by shock, and by surprise. Nothing I did could have prevented that tragedy, but despite everything that occurred then, I was given great strength. The pain that I felt from my own stupidity was the guilt and self-loathing aforementioned, along with shame.
I've learned that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but you were stronger if you avoided the temptation in the first place. If you're thrown a curve ball on the path of life, it is hard and painful but it is worth it. If you find yourself wandering off the path, it hurts you more than it helps you.
KjhKJSDdsFHakj, I just hope you understand how dangerous it is to even take one step off the straight and narrow. Justifying lowering your standards, even a tiny bit, can throw you right off the edge. It pulls you so far away so quickly, you don't even notice until it's almost too late.
Basically, don't do something stupid if you know it's stupid because if it's stupid it will make you stupid.
Word.
Good to know two years after I started my blog my vocabulary is getting more intelligent. All the boys will just looove me and my smartness. *sarcasm*
Anyways, earlier today I was chatting with my besfran, Taylor. (Wave your hand, Taylor.) We were discussing how crappy my emotions have been lately and how... low I've been. I have hit rock bottom before, and this isn't anywhere near that, but it's just this constant emotional weight that is keeping me from being happy. It might be the weather, it might be my lack of eating hearty meals, it might be a lack of Tom Hiddleston in my life... I dunno.
But I was talking about how the situation I'm stuck in now feels like it's literally killing me from the inside out. And his reply inspired me. He said, "Killing. But you're not dead yet. You're a fighter."
Yeah... Yeah! I am a fighter! How did I forget that??
How did I forget for an entire semester that I'm sassy, snarky Ellie Bolander, who doesn't let men walk all over her? Who would never lower her standards for anyone? Who may suffer from occasional low self-esteem, but always pulls herself out of it because life is way too short to worry?
How did I forget all these things about myself that I've always quite liked?
Satan...
What a sneaky dude. I can attest that oh man, he knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows perfectly well how much I love kissing and boys and kissing boys and he tried to get me there but OH, NO. NOT TODAY.
NOT IN MY HOUSE.
And never again! I'm a tough, independent white girl who don't need no man.
Haha, so after I'm done cracking myself up...
CHECK OUT MY AWESOME CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
I have legit been asking for Avengers action figures ever since I went to the premier on May 5, 2012.
I basically love the Avengers. Also, that shirt I'm wearing is a sweater that I bought myself for Christmas, because yay sweaters and yay buying yourself things.
In closing, this new year is going to rock because I'm gonna make it rock. Sure, right now things are rough and painful and sucky, but tough times don't last. Tough people do.
(definitely stole that quote from a TV show)
It's a time for change! And what better time to change than right before you leave for college?!
Ah, yes, college updates. I was accepted to Southern Virginia University in November! Haven't heard from BYU yet, but we'll see what happens. And according to the costs that I've compared between the two schools, Southern Virginia is going to be cheaper (so far). We'll see what BYU coughs up for me. I'm visiting SVU during Spring Break, so hopefully I'll know when I visit if it's the right thing to do. If not, BYU it is.
Also, I'm chopping all my hair off and donating it. The sooner the better. I need something new, something exciting. And having the short mane of a sexy man is exactly that.
I am tired and should not be allowed to post my thoughts on the internet.
I love all of you, thank you so much for all your support! If you've made it through this post without clawing your eyes out or mentally hating on me, you get a gold star. You rock. Seriously. None of this would be possible without my readers. I love you guys! Thank you and good night!
P.S. Updated the layout of the blog a while ago... Let me know if you like it!
Unfortunately I'm doing exactly that... It's a new year, and there has to be a new me. I believe in change, a constant desire to better yourself. You can still be confident in yourself and your abilities but have a goal to be a better person, because there's always room for improvement.
After an utterly horrid start to senior year, I've had to change a lot of things. I dug myself into a very deep, very dangerous hole and I've been working for the past three weeks to not only climb back out, but to fill that hole up so there's no chance I can fall back in like I did before.
Anyways. I have a lot of things that need to change if I want to achieve the big-headed, ambitious goals that I have. Starting with my sadness.
I've been trying to pin point where these depressive moods are coming from. I have a few theories, but it's a big messy mixture of lots of things... Led by guilt and self-loathing, my favorite! *sarcasm*
After looking at the dumb mistakes I made and the pain they brought me, it brought me to an interesting conclusion. Remembering the pain that I felt at Mac's death, that was a very different pain. That pain was brought on by loss, by shock, and by surprise. Nothing I did could have prevented that tragedy, but despite everything that occurred then, I was given great strength. The pain that I felt from my own stupidity was the guilt and self-loathing aforementioned, along with shame.
I've learned that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but you were stronger if you avoided the temptation in the first place. If you're thrown a curve ball on the path of life, it is hard and painful but it is worth it. If you find yourself wandering off the path, it hurts you more than it helps you.
KjhKJSDdsFHakj, I just hope you understand how dangerous it is to even take one step off the straight and narrow. Justifying lowering your standards, even a tiny bit, can throw you right off the edge. It pulls you so far away so quickly, you don't even notice until it's almost too late.
Basically, don't do something stupid if you know it's stupid because if it's stupid it will make you stupid.
Word.
Good to know two years after I started my blog my vocabulary is getting more intelligent. All the boys will just looove me and my smartness. *sarcasm*
Anyways, earlier today I was chatting with my besfran, Taylor. (Wave your hand, Taylor.) We were discussing how crappy my emotions have been lately and how... low I've been. I have hit rock bottom before, and this isn't anywhere near that, but it's just this constant emotional weight that is keeping me from being happy. It might be the weather, it might be my lack of eating hearty meals, it might be a lack of Tom Hiddleston in my life... I dunno.
But I was talking about how the situation I'm stuck in now feels like it's literally killing me from the inside out. And his reply inspired me. He said, "Killing. But you're not dead yet. You're a fighter."
Yeah... Yeah! I am a fighter! How did I forget that??
How did I forget for an entire semester that I'm sassy, snarky Ellie Bolander, who doesn't let men walk all over her? Who would never lower her standards for anyone? Who may suffer from occasional low self-esteem, but always pulls herself out of it because life is way too short to worry?
How did I forget all these things about myself that I've always quite liked?
Satan...
What a sneaky dude. I can attest that oh man, he knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows perfectly well how much I love kissing and boys and kissing boys and he tried to get me there but OH, NO. NOT TODAY.
NOT IN MY HOUSE.
And never again! I'm a tough, independent white girl who don't need no man.
Haha, so after I'm done cracking myself up...
I have legit been asking for Avengers action figures ever since I went to the premier on May 5, 2012.
I basically love the Avengers. Also, that shirt I'm wearing is a sweater that I bought myself for Christmas, because yay sweaters and yay buying yourself things.
In closing, this new year is going to rock because I'm gonna make it rock. Sure, right now things are rough and painful and sucky, but tough times don't last. Tough people do.
(definitely stole that quote from a TV show)
It's a time for change! And what better time to change than right before you leave for college?!
Ah, yes, college updates. I was accepted to Southern Virginia University in November! Haven't heard from BYU yet, but we'll see what happens. And according to the costs that I've compared between the two schools, Southern Virginia is going to be cheaper (so far). We'll see what BYU coughs up for me. I'm visiting SVU during Spring Break, so hopefully I'll know when I visit if it's the right thing to do. If not, BYU it is.
Also, I'm chopping all my hair off and donating it. The sooner the better. I need something new, something exciting. And having the short mane of a sexy man is exactly that.
I am tired and should not be allowed to post my thoughts on the internet.
I love all of you, thank you so much for all your support! If you've made it through this post without clawing your eyes out or mentally hating on me, you get a gold star. You rock. Seriously. None of this would be possible without my readers. I love you guys! Thank you and good night!
P.S. Updated the layout of the blog a while ago... Let me know if you like it!
Dear Ellie,
ReplyDeleteGosh, seeing my eyes are not clawed out, and I am able to respond... Good luck on your college choice. I think you will be remarkable where ever you land. Your ablity to write what you are thinking is quite amazing.
The good thing about hair is that is always grows back, and you can change your look. I am proud to think you would be giving your hair to someone that isn't able to grow it, very generous, oh, and hair doesn't make the girl.
So, hoping you continue to write, and well, love the Avengers... hahahah
Take good care,
Love,
Mrs. McClure AKA Mrs. Luther
"Sure, right now things are rough and painful and sucky, but tough times don't last. Tough people do." Haha perfect. didnt see it coming. you should write a book of quotes you use :P
ReplyDelete