Then & Now
"Because cold nostalgia chills me to the bone..." ~ "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City, AKA the greatest love song ever written.
Or maybe that's just me.
This post is super confusing for me because I'm not talking about a specific event or specific time period. I'm basically dedicating one post to everything that happened between August 21st and now. We'll see in the end if this is a mild fender bender or a literary wreck.
So! Let's start with the rest of August. It was basically legit. The Sunday after Ed Week, Wendy (mentioned in the first Ed Week post) used me as her object lesson in Mia Maids.
HAHAHA... No, seriously. She did. It was awesome and I cried about it because it was so nice.
Also on that Sunday we had Stake Standards Night! Let me just warn you, if we ever get into a conversation about the Law of Chastity-slash-dating-slash-
... Yup. It was a really depressing night.
The next day: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YES! WINNING! It was a great first day. I remember because I looked SO good, and my mom took me to Subway for breakfast. There was this really cute guy at the counter and he was totally flirting with me.
Ellie - 1, anyone else - 0.
Even though I was extremely depressed about Mac, it still felt really nice to be getting some attention from some good-looking men.
In general, every week I would have two or three good days and the rest of the week would be really really sad or lame.
Hahaha... Going through my journal, every page I'm like "Life is great! Everything is wonderful! I miss Mac, but it's okay!" and the next day I'm like "My life is miserable, I want to die, why is this happening to me, bleehhhhhhh." Bipolar much?
If you have ever experienced a traumatic experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. You might be trying to push the sadness off, but it always pops up again.
One Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Woman's about getting through hard things. Yeah... I don't like to talk about it.
Quote from September 4th: "I hope the Whittles are proud of me."
Isn't that what we all want? I mean, some people want fame and fortune and others want love, but ultimately it comes down to being appreciated. Who did I make proud today? I hope we can all say at the end of the day, "I made my Father in Heaven proud today."
For some reason I almost typed "tofu" instead of "today". I need sleep.
For some reason (echo!) I got a lot of babysitting jobs after school started. One night I was at my neighbor's house babysitting a three-year-old and her baby brother. We were watching Enchanted and all of the sudden, the song "So Close" my Jon McLaughlin starts playing (at the end of the movie when they're at the ball and Giselle is in that ridiculous purple red carpet dress). That was one of the last songs Mac and I danced to. So there I was, feeding the baby, crying. I'm sure he was thinking, "The heck. Shouldn't I be the one crying here?"
Yes, Baby Man. You should have been the one crying, that would have made me feel better.
Now let me tell you about the Homecoming incident.
Ehhhh...
So Homecoming was coming up. Everyone was excited to go with their boyfriend/best friend or whatever. And there I was, once again, alone.
Wooo party.
Basically, I went a little crazy. Psycho. Psycho crazy. I don't like to talk about it. I asked four different guys because I wanted a date sooooo bad, I was so sick of all the loneliness! Which is understandable, but I definitely reeked of desperation. It was bad. I don't have many regrets, and that is one of them.
The only way to catch a man is to have a good balance of cool, cute, and creepy. I was just plain creepy. Mm.
Also during this period of time was cramming for my piano recital! I hate piano recitals. You dress up all nice and then screw up your song in front of a bunch of strangers then cry because you're so embarrassed.
Or maybe that's just me.
I basically gave up on piano for a month or so because every time I sat down at George (my piano), I just lost it. Everything music reminded me of Mac and I couldn't handle it. My poor piano teacher was trying to motivate me to practice more, but I just gave up for a while. My piano recital... That's another thing I don't like to talk about. Too painful and embarrassing.
We also had our ward talent show. Sethie Poo and I made a dance to "S.I.M.P." from Phineas & Ferb. Unfortunately, some ward members did not understand what "squirrels in my pants" meant and interrogated my parents about the event.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious. Every time I watch the video I laugh and sing the words to the song because I love Phineas & Ferb.
A week after 9/11, I was up late watching all those news shows talking about 9/11 on the tenth anniversary. I didn't really remember it a lot since I was only six, but ten years later it hit me hard. What a terrible, terrible thing that affected so many families: Children with no fathers, widows raising families alone, mothers losing children. Just tragic. My pain intensified.
Oh, I created my band on RockBand! (Which I pwn at, btdubbs.) My band's name is the Shoelace Brigade consisting of keyboardist-slash-lead singer Ellie, guitarist Gladys, LaVerne the bassist, and Funlee the drummer. :D It made me happy. Anyways, if you ever want to have a little piano RockBand competition, I will destroy you. :)
September 20th: "I wish I could relive the past."
Don't we all?
Therapy! Yes! I started therapy at the end of September. (I'm not crazy, I swear.) If you're struggling with something psychologically or emotionally, I strongly recommend therapy because then I can make fun of you for being crazy.
Some good advice: Live through your experiences. Don't suppress your feelings or try to hide them, because they will build up until you can't hold them all anymore and you'll basically lose your mind. (Haha... No. Don't listen to me.) Live through your life, because you only live once, and life is so short.
I know I'm totally jumping around in a random pattern here, but I'm just flipping through my journal to see if there's anything useful I can give ya. And I found something! :)
The Stages of Grief (in no particular order): Denial; Depression; Anger or guilt; Bargaining; Resolution.
Now, don't think that you're crazy if you don't follow these exact feelings in the exact order. I've definitely jumped around with emotions. First was depression, some anger then a little denial, more depression, a little more anger, more depression, lots of denial.
After the accident, I stopped dreaming, mostly due to lack of deep sleep. One night I had a dream that Mac and I were back at EFY together, like normal. Then some crazy guy dressed like George Washington came out and started yelling at us.
Hmm... Maybe I am crazy.
General Conference! (Haha, I'm really throwing you all for a loop here.) I fell asleep during Elder Cook's talk, which talk was about tragedy and why bad things happen. It was the answer I was looking for, and I slept through it. That night I watched Midway to Heaven, a movie about a guy who's wife dies of cancer and he can't handle it. One night he was talking to her, and she said, "You're holding on to something you can't have."
Talk about a slap in the face.
I realized I was holding onto something I couldn't have. But at that point on time, I knew I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Oh! That week, Psych season 5 came out on Netflix! :D
But yeah. So basically, I was bipolar. One night I'd be happy, the next I'd be crying myself to sleep. (The beginning of this sentence sounds so unintelligent.)
My grandparents then made a surprise visit to our home randomly! That was sweet. They stayed for a week and got to meet little baby Logan, my ginger baby brother who is adorable in every way imaginable.
HALLOWEEN. Epic. I was Flynn Rider for our Ward Halloween Party, but my Rapunzel ditched, so I told people I was Han Solo, Flynn Rider, or just sexy, because I could have seriously been anyone. Hrrm.
Oh, I gave my friend Ashe a Book of Mormon. That was cool. :)
THANKSGIVING! Whoever decided that there was a day to give thanks and stuff your face is amazing. (Thanks, FDR.)
P.S. I'm a history geek. :)
Ooh, Mac's Birthday. December 1st. Make a note. I made a post for his special day, so I'll just touch on it. Basically I cleaned and danced and laughed and played piano all day long. I didn't cry until the next day, which was an extremely depressing day in my life since I kept it together the day before. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate pudding inside and chocolate frosting and then I had a dance party. It was a good day. :)
My good friend Cheyenne has a new baby sister named Molly. Molly is a miracle baby. Basically she was supposed to be still-born, but for whatever reason she lived. There were some complications and everyone was really worried she wasn't gonna make it, but one day she woke up and was a totally normal baby, unlike when she was born. That was an amazing experience. Babies are miracles in themselves!
Well, that's basically it. I watched a lot of Psych and Arrested Development, and just grew one day at a time.
Sorry if this post is lame. I'm lame and lazy and I don't feel like putting too much effort into this. I just wanted the blog to catch up to us in real time so I could update my adventure in California! :)
Merry Christmas!
Ellie the Bolander
Or maybe that's just me.
This post is super confusing for me because I'm not talking about a specific event or specific time period. I'm basically dedicating one post to everything that happened to me between August 21st and now. We'll see in the end if this is a mild fender bender or a literary wreck.
So! Let's start with the rest of August. It was basically legit. The Sunday after Ed Week, Wendy (mentioned in the first Ed Week post) used me as her object lesson in Mia Maids.
HAHAHA... No, seriously. She did. It was awesome and I cried about it because it was so nice.
Also on that Sunday we had Stake Standards Night! Let me just warn you, if we ever get into a conversation about the Law of Chastity-slash-dating-slash-
... Yup. It was a really depressing night.
The next day: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YES! WINNING! It was a great first day. I remember because I looked SO good, and my mom took me to Subway for breakfast. There was this really cute guy at the counter and he was totally flirting with me.
Ellie - 1, anyone else - 0.
Even though I was extremely depressed about Mac, it still felt really nice to be getting some attention from some good-looking men.
In general, every week I would have two or three good days and the rest of the week would be really really sad or lame.
Hahaha... Going through my journal, every page I'm like "Life is great! Everything is wonderful! I miss Mac, but it's okay!" and the next day I'm like "My life is miserable, I want to die, why is this happening to me, bleehhhhhhh." Bipolar much?
If you have ever experienced a traumatic experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. You might be trying to push the sadness off, but it always pops up again.
One Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Woman's about getting through hard things. Yeah... I don't like to talk about it.
Quote from September 4th: "I hope the Whittles are proud of me."
Isn't that what we all want? I mean, some people want fame and fortune and others want love, but ultimately it comes down to being appreciated. Who did I make proud today? I hope we can all say at the end of the day, "I made my Father in Heaven proud today."
For some reason I almost typed "tofu" instead of "today". I need sleep.
For some reason (echo!) I got a lot of babysitting jobs after school started. One night I was at my neighbor's house babysitting a three-year-old and her baby brother. We were watching Enchanted and all of the sudden, the song "So Close" my Jon McLaughlin starts playing (at the end of the movie when they're at the ball and Giselle is in that ridiculous purple red carpet dress). That was one of the last songs Mac and I danced to. So there I was, feeding the baby, crying. I'm sure he was thinking, "The heck. Shouldn't I be the one crying here?"
Yes, Baby Man. You should have been the one crying, that would have made me feel better.
Now let me tell you about the Homecoming incident.
Ehhhh...
So Homecoming was coming up. Everyone was excited to go with their boyfriend/best friend or whatever. And there I was, once again, alone.
Wooo party.
Basically, I went a little crazy. Psycho. Psycho crazy. I don't like to talk about it. I asked four different guys because I wanted a date sooooo bad, I was so sick of all the loneliness! Which is understandable, but I definitely reeked of desperation. It was bad. I don't have many regrets, and that is one of them.
The only way to catch a man is to have a good balance of cool, cute, and creepy. I was just plain creepy. Mm.
Also during this period of time was cramming for my piano recital! I hate piano recitals. You dress up all nice and then screw up your song in front of a bunch of strangers then cry because you're so embarrassed.
Or maybe that's just me.
I basically gave up on piano for a month or so because every time I sat down at George (my piano), I just lost it. Everything music reminded me of Mac and I couldn't handle it. My poor piano teacher was trying to motivate me to practice more, but I just gave up for a while. My piano recital... That's another thing I don't like to talk about. Too painful and embarrassing.
We also had our ward talent show. Sethie Poo and I made a dance to "S.I.M.P." from Phineas & Ferb. Unfortunately, some ward members did not understand what "squirrels in my pants" meant and interrogated my parents about the event.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious. Every time I watch the video I laugh and sing the words to the song because I love Phineas & Ferb.
A week after 9/11, I was up late watching all those news shows talking about 9/11 on the tenth anniversary. I didn't really remember it a lot since I was only six, but ten years later it hit me hard. What a terrible, terrible thing that affected so many families: Children with no fathers, widows raising families alone, mothers losing children. Just tragic. My pain intensified.
Oh, I created my band on RockBand! (Which I pwn at, btdubbs.) My band's name is the Shoelace Brigade consisting of keyboardist-slash-lead singer Ellie, guitarist Gladys, LaVerne the bassist, and Funlee the drummer. :D It made me happy. Anyways, if you ever want to have a little piano RockBand competition, I will destroy you. :)
September 20th: "I wish I could relive the past."
Don't we all?
Therapy! Yes! I started therapy at the end of September. (I'm not crazy, I swear.) If you're struggling with something psychologically or emotionally, I strongly recommend therapy because then I can make fun of you for being crazy.
Some good advice: Live through your experiences. Don't suppress your feelings or try to hide them, because they will build up until you can't hold them all anymore and you'll basically lose your mind. (Haha... No. Don't listen to me.) Live through your life, because you only live once, and life is so short.
I know I'm totally jumping around in a random pattern here, but I'm just flipping through my journal to see if there's anything useful I can give ya. And I found something! :)
The Stages of Grief (in no particular order): Denial; Depression; Anger or guilt; Bargaining; Resolution.
Now, don't think that you're crazy if you don't follow these exact feelings in the exact order. I've definitely jumped around with emotions. First was depression, some anger then a little denial, more depression, a little more anger, more depression, lots of denial.
After the accident, I stopped dreaming, mostly due to lack of deep sleep. One night I had a dream that Mac and I were back at EFY together, like normal. Then some crazy guy dressed like George Washington came out and started yelling at us.
Hmm... Maybe I am crazy.
General Conference! (Haha, I'm really throwing you all for a loop here.) I fell asleep during Elder Cook's talk, which talk was about tragedy and why bad things happen. It was the answer I was looking for, and I slept through it. That night I watched Midway to Heaven, a movie about a guy who's wife dies of cancer and he can't handle it. One night he was talking to her, and she said, "You're holding on to something you can't have."
Talk about a slap in the face.
I realized I was holding onto something I couldn't have. But at that point on time, I knew I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Oh! That week, Psych season 5 came out on Netflix! :D
But yeah. So basically, I was bipolar. One night I'd be happy, the next I'd be crying myself to sleep. (The beginning of this sentence sounds so unintelligent.)
My grandparents then made a surprise visit to our home randomly! That was sweet. They stayed for a week and got to meet little baby Logan, my ginger baby brother who is adorable in every way imaginable.
HALLOWEEN. Epic. I was Flynn Rider for our Ward Halloween Party, but my Rapunzel ditched, so I told people I was Han Solo, Flynn Rider, or just sexy, because I could have seriously been anyone. Hrrm.
Oh, I gave my friend Ashe a Book of Mormon. That was cool. :)
THANKSGIVING! Whoever decided that there was a day to give thanks and stuff your face is amazing. (Thanks, FDR.)
P.S. I'm a history geek. :)
Ooh, Mac's Birthday. December 1st. Make a note. I made a post for his special day, so I'll just touch on it. Basically I cleaned and danced and laughed and played piano all day long. I didn't cry until the next day, which was an extremely depressing day in my life since I kept it together the day before. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate pudding inside and chocolate frosting and then I had a dance party. It was a good day. :)
My good friend Cheyenne has a new baby sister named Molly. Molly is a miracle baby. Basically she was supposed to be still-born, but for whatever reason she lived. There were some complications and everyone was really worried she wasn't gonna make it, but one day she woke up and was a totally normal baby, unlike when she was born. That was an amazing experience. Babies are miracles in themselves!
Well, that's basically it. I watched a lot of Psych and Arrested Development, and just grew one day at a time. I'd say that this post is a literary wreck, thank you for tolerating my ridiculousness.
Sorry if this post is lame. I'm lame and lazy and I don't feel like putting too much effort into this. I just wanted the blog to catch up to us in real time so I could update my adventure in California!
Or maybe that's just me.
This post is super confusing for me because I'm not talking about a specific event or specific time period. I'm basically dedicating one post to everything that happened between August 21st and now. We'll see in the end if this is a mild fender bender or a literary wreck.
So! Let's start with the rest of August. It was basically legit. The Sunday after Ed Week, Wendy (mentioned in the first Ed Week post) used me as her object lesson in Mia Maids.
HAHAHA... No, seriously. She did. It was awesome and I cried about it because it was so nice.
Also on that Sunday we had Stake Standards Night! Let me just warn you, if we ever get into a conversation about the Law of Chastity-slash-dating-slash-
... Yup. It was a really depressing night.
The next day: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YES! WINNING! It was a great first day. I remember because I looked SO good, and my mom took me to Subway for breakfast. There was this really cute guy at the counter and he was totally flirting with me.
Ellie - 1, anyone else - 0.
Even though I was extremely depressed about Mac, it still felt really nice to be getting some attention from some good-looking men.
In general, every week I would have two or three good days and the rest of the week would be really really sad or lame.
Hahaha... Going through my journal, every page I'm like "Life is great! Everything is wonderful! I miss Mac, but it's okay!" and the next day I'm like "My life is miserable, I want to die, why is this happening to me, bleehhhhhhh." Bipolar much?
If you have ever experienced a traumatic experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. You might be trying to push the sadness off, but it always pops up again.
One Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Woman's about getting through hard things. Yeah... I don't like to talk about it.
Quote from September 4th: "I hope the Whittles are proud of me."
Isn't that what we all want? I mean, some people want fame and fortune and others want love, but ultimately it comes down to being appreciated. Who did I make proud today? I hope we can all say at the end of the day, "I made my Father in Heaven proud today."
For some reason I almost typed "tofu" instead of "today". I need sleep.
For some reason (echo!) I got a lot of babysitting jobs after school started. One night I was at my neighbor's house babysitting a three-year-old and her baby brother. We were watching Enchanted and all of the sudden, the song "So Close" my Jon McLaughlin starts playing (at the end of the movie when they're at the ball and Giselle is in that ridiculous purple red carpet dress). That was one of the last songs Mac and I danced to. So there I was, feeding the baby, crying. I'm sure he was thinking, "The heck. Shouldn't I be the one crying here?"
Yes, Baby Man. You should have been the one crying, that would have made me feel better.
Now let me tell you about the Homecoming incident.
Ehhhh...
So Homecoming was coming up. Everyone was excited to go with their boyfriend/best friend or whatever. And there I was, once again, alone.
Wooo party.
Basically, I went a little crazy. Psycho. Psycho crazy. I don't like to talk about it. I asked four different guys because I wanted a date sooooo bad, I was so sick of all the loneliness! Which is understandable, but I definitely reeked of desperation. It was bad. I don't have many regrets, and that is one of them.
The only way to catch a man is to have a good balance of cool, cute, and creepy. I was just plain creepy. Mm.
Also during this period of time was cramming for my piano recital! I hate piano recitals. You dress up all nice and then screw up your song in front of a bunch of strangers then cry because you're so embarrassed.
Or maybe that's just me.
I basically gave up on piano for a month or so because every time I sat down at George (my piano), I just lost it. Everything music reminded me of Mac and I couldn't handle it. My poor piano teacher was trying to motivate me to practice more, but I just gave up for a while. My piano recital... That's another thing I don't like to talk about. Too painful and embarrassing.
We also had our ward talent show. Sethie Poo and I made a dance to "S.I.M.P." from Phineas & Ferb. Unfortunately, some ward members did not understand what "squirrels in my pants" meant and interrogated my parents about the event.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious. Every time I watch the video I laugh and sing the words to the song because I love Phineas & Ferb.
A week after 9/11, I was up late watching all those news shows talking about 9/11 on the tenth anniversary. I didn't really remember it a lot since I was only six, but ten years later it hit me hard. What a terrible, terrible thing that affected so many families: Children with no fathers, widows raising families alone, mothers losing children. Just tragic. My pain intensified.
Oh, I created my band on RockBand! (Which I pwn at, btdubbs.) My band's name is the Shoelace Brigade consisting of keyboardist-slash-lead singer Ellie, guitarist Gladys, LaVerne the bassist, and Funlee the drummer. :D It made me happy. Anyways, if you ever want to have a little piano RockBand competition, I will destroy you. :)
September 20th: "I wish I could relive the past."
Don't we all?
Therapy! Yes! I started therapy at the end of September. (I'm not crazy, I swear.) If you're struggling with something psychologically or emotionally, I strongly recommend therapy because then I can make fun of you for being crazy.
Some good advice: Live through your experiences. Don't suppress your feelings or try to hide them, because they will build up until you can't hold them all anymore and you'll basically lose your mind. (Haha... No. Don't listen to me.) Live through your life, because you only live once, and life is so short.
I know I'm totally jumping around in a random pattern here, but I'm just flipping through my journal to see if there's anything useful I can give ya. And I found something! :)
The Stages of Grief (in no particular order): Denial; Depression; Anger or guilt; Bargaining; Resolution.
Now, don't think that you're crazy if you don't follow these exact feelings in the exact order. I've definitely jumped around with emotions. First was depression, some anger then a little denial, more depression, a little more anger, more depression, lots of denial.
After the accident, I stopped dreaming, mostly due to lack of deep sleep. One night I had a dream that Mac and I were back at EFY together, like normal. Then some crazy guy dressed like George Washington came out and started yelling at us.
Hmm... Maybe I am crazy.
General Conference! (Haha, I'm really throwing you all for a loop here.) I fell asleep during Elder Cook's talk, which talk was about tragedy and why bad things happen. It was the answer I was looking for, and I slept through it. That night I watched Midway to Heaven, a movie about a guy who's wife dies of cancer and he can't handle it. One night he was talking to her, and she said, "You're holding on to something you can't have."
Talk about a slap in the face.
I realized I was holding onto something I couldn't have. But at that point on time, I knew I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Oh! That week, Psych season 5 came out on Netflix! :D
But yeah. So basically, I was bipolar. One night I'd be happy, the next I'd be crying myself to sleep. (The beginning of this sentence sounds so unintelligent.)
My grandparents then made a surprise visit to our home randomly! That was sweet. They stayed for a week and got to meet little baby Logan, my ginger baby brother who is adorable in every way imaginable.
HALLOWEEN. Epic. I was Flynn Rider for our Ward Halloween Party, but my Rapunzel ditched, so I told people I was Han Solo, Flynn Rider, or just sexy, because I could have seriously been anyone. Hrrm.
Oh, I gave my friend Ashe a Book of Mormon. That was cool. :)
THANKSGIVING! Whoever decided that there was a day to give thanks and stuff your face is amazing. (Thanks, FDR.)
P.S. I'm a history geek. :)
Ooh, Mac's Birthday. December 1st. Make a note. I made a post for his special day, so I'll just touch on it. Basically I cleaned and danced and laughed and played piano all day long. I didn't cry until the next day, which was an extremely depressing day in my life since I kept it together the day before. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate pudding inside and chocolate frosting and then I had a dance party. It was a good day. :)
My good friend Cheyenne has a new baby sister named Molly. Molly is a miracle baby. Basically she was supposed to be still-born, but for whatever reason she lived. There were some complications and everyone was really worried she wasn't gonna make it, but one day she woke up and was a totally normal baby, unlike when she was born. That was an amazing experience. Babies are miracles in themselves!
Well, that's basically it. I watched a lot of Psych and Arrested Development, and just grew one day at a time.
Sorry if this post is lame. I'm lame and lazy and I don't feel like putting too much effort into this. I just wanted the blog to catch up to us in real time so I could update my adventure in California! :)
Merry Christmas!
Ellie the Bolander
Or maybe that's just me.
This post is super confusing for me because I'm not talking about a specific event or specific time period. I'm basically dedicating one post to everything that happened to me between August 21st and now. We'll see in the end if this is a mild fender bender or a literary wreck.
So! Let's start with the rest of August. It was basically legit. The Sunday after Ed Week, Wendy (mentioned in the first Ed Week post) used me as her object lesson in Mia Maids.
HAHAHA... No, seriously. She did. It was awesome and I cried about it because it was so nice.
Also on that Sunday we had Stake Standards Night! Let me just warn you, if we ever get into a conversation about the Law of Chastity-slash-dating-slash-
... Yup. It was a really depressing night.
The next day: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YES! WINNING! It was a great first day. I remember because I looked SO good, and my mom took me to Subway for breakfast. There was this really cute guy at the counter and he was totally flirting with me.
Ellie - 1, anyone else - 0.
Even though I was extremely depressed about Mac, it still felt really nice to be getting some attention from some good-looking men.
In general, every week I would have two or three good days and the rest of the week would be really really sad or lame.
Hahaha... Going through my journal, every page I'm like "Life is great! Everything is wonderful! I miss Mac, but it's okay!" and the next day I'm like "My life is miserable, I want to die, why is this happening to me, bleehhhhhhh." Bipolar much?
If you have ever experienced a traumatic experience like this, you know what I'm talking about. You might be trying to push the sadness off, but it always pops up again.
One Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Woman's about getting through hard things. Yeah... I don't like to talk about it.
Quote from September 4th: "I hope the Whittles are proud of me."
Isn't that what we all want? I mean, some people want fame and fortune and others want love, but ultimately it comes down to being appreciated. Who did I make proud today? I hope we can all say at the end of the day, "I made my Father in Heaven proud today."
For some reason I almost typed "tofu" instead of "today". I need sleep.
For some reason (echo!) I got a lot of babysitting jobs after school started. One night I was at my neighbor's house babysitting a three-year-old and her baby brother. We were watching Enchanted and all of the sudden, the song "So Close" my Jon McLaughlin starts playing (at the end of the movie when they're at the ball and Giselle is in that ridiculous purple red carpet dress). That was one of the last songs Mac and I danced to. So there I was, feeding the baby, crying. I'm sure he was thinking, "The heck. Shouldn't I be the one crying here?"
Yes, Baby Man. You should have been the one crying, that would have made me feel better.
Now let me tell you about the Homecoming incident.
Ehhhh...
So Homecoming was coming up. Everyone was excited to go with their boyfriend/best friend or whatever. And there I was, once again, alone.
Wooo party.
Basically, I went a little crazy. Psycho. Psycho crazy. I don't like to talk about it. I asked four different guys because I wanted a date sooooo bad, I was so sick of all the loneliness! Which is understandable, but I definitely reeked of desperation. It was bad. I don't have many regrets, and that is one of them.
The only way to catch a man is to have a good balance of cool, cute, and creepy. I was just plain creepy. Mm.
Also during this period of time was cramming for my piano recital! I hate piano recitals. You dress up all nice and then screw up your song in front of a bunch of strangers then cry because you're so embarrassed.
Or maybe that's just me.
I basically gave up on piano for a month or so because every time I sat down at George (my piano), I just lost it. Everything music reminded me of Mac and I couldn't handle it. My poor piano teacher was trying to motivate me to practice more, but I just gave up for a while. My piano recital... That's another thing I don't like to talk about. Too painful and embarrassing.
We also had our ward talent show. Sethie Poo and I made a dance to "S.I.M.P." from Phineas & Ferb. Unfortunately, some ward members did not understand what "squirrels in my pants" meant and interrogated my parents about the event.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious. Every time I watch the video I laugh and sing the words to the song because I love Phineas & Ferb.
A week after 9/11, I was up late watching all those news shows talking about 9/11 on the tenth anniversary. I didn't really remember it a lot since I was only six, but ten years later it hit me hard. What a terrible, terrible thing that affected so many families: Children with no fathers, widows raising families alone, mothers losing children. Just tragic. My pain intensified.
Oh, I created my band on RockBand! (Which I pwn at, btdubbs.) My band's name is the Shoelace Brigade consisting of keyboardist-slash-lead singer Ellie, guitarist Gladys, LaVerne the bassist, and Funlee the drummer. :D It made me happy. Anyways, if you ever want to have a little piano RockBand competition, I will destroy you. :)
September 20th: "I wish I could relive the past."
Don't we all?
Therapy! Yes! I started therapy at the end of September. (I'm not crazy, I swear.) If you're struggling with something psychologically or emotionally, I strongly recommend therapy because then I can make fun of you for being crazy.
Some good advice: Live through your experiences. Don't suppress your feelings or try to hide them, because they will build up until you can't hold them all anymore and you'll basically lose your mind. (Haha... No. Don't listen to me.) Live through your life, because you only live once, and life is so short.
I know I'm totally jumping around in a random pattern here, but I'm just flipping through my journal to see if there's anything useful I can give ya. And I found something! :)
The Stages of Grief (in no particular order): Denial; Depression; Anger or guilt; Bargaining; Resolution.
Now, don't think that you're crazy if you don't follow these exact feelings in the exact order. I've definitely jumped around with emotions. First was depression, some anger then a little denial, more depression, a little more anger, more depression, lots of denial.
After the accident, I stopped dreaming, mostly due to lack of deep sleep. One night I had a dream that Mac and I were back at EFY together, like normal. Then some crazy guy dressed like George Washington came out and started yelling at us.
Hmm... Maybe I am crazy.
General Conference! (Haha, I'm really throwing you all for a loop here.) I fell asleep during Elder Cook's talk, which talk was about tragedy and why bad things happen. It was the answer I was looking for, and I slept through it. That night I watched Midway to Heaven, a movie about a guy who's wife dies of cancer and he can't handle it. One night he was talking to her, and she said, "You're holding on to something you can't have."
Talk about a slap in the face.
I realized I was holding onto something I couldn't have. But at that point on time, I knew I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Oh! That week, Psych season 5 came out on Netflix! :D
But yeah. So basically, I was bipolar. One night I'd be happy, the next I'd be crying myself to sleep. (The beginning of this sentence sounds so unintelligent.)
My grandparents then made a surprise visit to our home randomly! That was sweet. They stayed for a week and got to meet little baby Logan, my ginger baby brother who is adorable in every way imaginable.
HALLOWEEN. Epic. I was Flynn Rider for our Ward Halloween Party, but my Rapunzel ditched, so I told people I was Han Solo, Flynn Rider, or just sexy, because I could have seriously been anyone. Hrrm.
Oh, I gave my friend Ashe a Book of Mormon. That was cool. :)
THANKSGIVING! Whoever decided that there was a day to give thanks and stuff your face is amazing. (Thanks, FDR.)
P.S. I'm a history geek. :)
Ooh, Mac's Birthday. December 1st. Make a note. I made a post for his special day, so I'll just touch on it. Basically I cleaned and danced and laughed and played piano all day long. I didn't cry until the next day, which was an extremely depressing day in my life since I kept it together the day before. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate pudding inside and chocolate frosting and then I had a dance party. It was a good day. :)
My good friend Cheyenne has a new baby sister named Molly. Molly is a miracle baby. Basically she was supposed to be still-born, but for whatever reason she lived. There were some complications and everyone was really worried she wasn't gonna make it, but one day she woke up and was a totally normal baby, unlike when she was born. That was an amazing experience. Babies are miracles in themselves!
Well, that's basically it. I watched a lot of Psych and Arrested Development, and just grew one day at a time. I'd say that this post is a literary wreck, thank you for tolerating my ridiculousness.
Sorry if this post is lame. I'm lame and lazy and I don't feel like putting too much effort into this. I just wanted the blog to catch up to us in real time so I could update my adventure in California!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :)
Ellie the Bolander
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