Remember That Blog That I Had That I Occasionally Blogged On
DAAANG SON it's been a really long time, WOW I am bad at this whole blog thing.
I have prayed more in the last three months than I have in a really long time. Like furreals, the Spirit is working on me nonstop and it's just crazy. I can feel Heavenly Father's love all around me, in the people I associate with, in the sunshine, in the wind, in my classes... Everywhere, God's love is there. You don't even have to look hard, you just have to feel it and it's there. He loves you and He knows you and He wants you to feel His love.
Something really cool that I've learned in college is that no matter what you're doing, no matter what your goals are or what your desires are, if you are centered on Christ and his Gospel, you will be okay. If you never lose sight of that center, if you keep your eye single to the glory of God, and if you allow God to be a part of your life and guide you, you will accomplish everything you want and MORE! And on the other side as well, if you lose sight of Christ and you falter and don't anchor yourself to Him, life will not be what you want it to be. You will lose so much valuable growth and so many valuable experiences because you were focused in on selfish goals and desires. I know many people who focused on their career or on their education. Both those things are wonderful things, but they did not look to Christ as their guide and they were so spiritually lost. It hurt me to see all the things that they had right in front of them but did not understand. The meaning of true happiness was lost in their search for worldly pleasure.
So that is my angry-but-not-really-that-angry rant for the night.
College is hard! (not really) It is SO MUCH FUN but it isn't the easiest thing living on your own, right? It has been a rough couple of weeks but I've powered through it with the Lord's support. He has been right there beside me every step of the way.
A new semester has arrived and I haven't blogged much so I need to do better about that! Silly me. The new semester, I'm not gonna lie, it's super mega lame. Like ridiculously lame. Dumb. Lame.
I was going to get a second job but I have so far had no success doing that which is dumb and lame and a bunch of people left on their missions between fall and winter semesters so it's just... The emotions I feel are intense and dumb and I miss things.
But I think it's just the first two weeks. After this week homework and midterms will kick right back in and I'll want to die all over again, except in like a good way.
I LOVE being busy! And college is doing exactly that. It's keeping me so busy I don't even have time to think, usually. It's stressful but so so awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE working, too!! Holy crap I love it. It definitely gives me a sense of purpose, but what's awesome is that yeah, I love my job and I love making money furreals, but I'm always keeping my focus on the Lord and the future and what He would have me do. Careers are awesome! College is awesome! But literally nothing is as awesome as our Heavenly Father! So don't be basic, focus on what really matters in this life and make that your focus as you do important things like make a living, change lives, serve others, and educate yourself.
Isn't this life just incredible? :)
So but let's get down to business (to deafeat... THE HUNS).
This week has been SO DUMB like ULTIMATELY MAJORLY DUMB because my best friend Linus left on his mission to South Korea and I have literally been locked in a glass case of emotion all week because of it, like uGHH why do people have to have feelings and be awesome and cool and amazing?? LIKE REALLY
Ugh he's so cute I hATE it but it's fine.
Haha I've been such a wimpy loser this week. I apologize to anyone who has had to even slightly deal with me, I've been so emotional and silly and lame and dumb. Linus is someone who I deeply admire, for his service to others, his desire to follow the Lord's will, his amazing testimony and conversion, his riotous and borderline sacreligious sense of humor, and his friendship. He is one of my closest friends and one of the most awesome people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and I just love his face, don't you?? He's amazing! Also he cooks and in the next couple months he'll be able to speak Korean, like wow!! Linus Ryan, everyone!!
So yeah, I'm impatiently waiting for a letter back. Nothing yet but as soon as I get one... You'll know.
*trumpet sounds* So what's really cool though is that if you're new to my blog, you'll be interested to know that it used to be called "Ellie: From Mac to Marriage" and the main focus was basically my online diary as I blogged about my dear friend Mac's death and the events and growth that I experienced through that. (The whole first half of my blog pretty much focuses on that. If you so dare, I challenge you to read it without hating 16-year-old Ellie or without the grammar Nazi inside of you clawing its way out to judge my writing harshly.) Okay, it's not that bad, but it makes me cringe a little bit, haha. But really, it's all about my journey through "the valley of death" and my own personal "vale of sorrows" which is pretty cool, I think. But now my life has moved on to another focus, and that is college/young adulthood. (I'll still talk about Mac here and there though. Like as in right now.)
What's been really interesting this week having someone I was so close to, Linus, be all of the sudden gone and out of my life, is that I've been able to make parallels of the feelings I have now to the feelings I had shortly after Mac's passing. I mean, they're two vastly different experiences, but the feeling of loss is the same. I can't talk to Linus, I can't see him, he seems so close and yet so far away *dramatic stare off into distance over a lake or a cliff or something*, and there's just this weird void in my life. And so I noticed a pattern in my behavior as well. The obsessive emotional rants/letters/emails that thankfully the mature part of me refrained from sending, the loneliness that creeps in late at night (oh weird it's late and I'm sad I wonder how that possibly correlates), the constant wanting to talk about Linus, closely followed by the guilt/insecurity that I feel when I think I've talked TOO much... The list goes on, but these are all things that I did when Mac passed away. It's been really cool to see the similarities, and also really cool because I feel like I'm prepared this time around. No, no one is dead, but there has been a form of loss and it's just really interesting to see those patterns. *adjusts glasses* *sniffs pretentiously*
The psychologist inside of me never sleeps.
Ah, that sounded way creepier than I imagined.
Anyways so after all my emotions have literally exploded out of my control, I've been trying to find ways to 1.) get them freaking under my control and 2.) occupy my time so that the emotions aren't slothfully festering and boiling under the surface, but are being used or distracted enough that I won't have any emotional outbursts or accidentally break into the MTC late at night and kidnap any missionaries #lolwat
So my new goals for the semester are:
I have prayed more in the last three months than I have in a really long time. Like furreals, the Spirit is working on me nonstop and it's just crazy. I can feel Heavenly Father's love all around me, in the people I associate with, in the sunshine, in the wind, in my classes... Everywhere, God's love is there. You don't even have to look hard, you just have to feel it and it's there. He loves you and He knows you and He wants you to feel His love.
Something really cool that I've learned in college is that no matter what you're doing, no matter what your goals are or what your desires are, if you are centered on Christ and his Gospel, you will be okay. If you never lose sight of that center, if you keep your eye single to the glory of God, and if you allow God to be a part of your life and guide you, you will accomplish everything you want and MORE! And on the other side as well, if you lose sight of Christ and you falter and don't anchor yourself to Him, life will not be what you want it to be. You will lose so much valuable growth and so many valuable experiences because you were focused in on selfish goals and desires. I know many people who focused on their career or on their education. Both those things are wonderful things, but they did not look to Christ as their guide and they were so spiritually lost. It hurt me to see all the things that they had right in front of them but did not understand. The meaning of true happiness was lost in their search for worldly pleasure.
So that is my angry-but-not-really-that-angry rant for the night.
College is hard! (not really) It is SO MUCH FUN but it isn't the easiest thing living on your own, right? It has been a rough couple of weeks but I've powered through it with the Lord's support. He has been right there beside me every step of the way.
A new semester has arrived and I haven't blogged much so I need to do better about that! Silly me. The new semester, I'm not gonna lie, it's super mega lame. Like ridiculously lame. Dumb. Lame.
I was going to get a second job but I have so far had no success doing that which is dumb and lame and a bunch of people left on their missions between fall and winter semesters so it's just... The emotions I feel are intense and dumb and I miss things.
But I think it's just the first two weeks. After this week homework and midterms will kick right back in and I'll want to die all over again, except in like a good way.
I LOVE being busy! And college is doing exactly that. It's keeping me so busy I don't even have time to think, usually. It's stressful but so so awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE working, too!! Holy crap I love it. It definitely gives me a sense of purpose, but what's awesome is that yeah, I love my job and I love making money furreals, but I'm always keeping my focus on the Lord and the future and what He would have me do. Careers are awesome! College is awesome! But literally nothing is as awesome as our Heavenly Father! So don't be basic, focus on what really matters in this life and make that your focus as you do important things like make a living, change lives, serve others, and educate yourself.
Isn't this life just incredible? :)
So but let's get down to business (to deafeat... THE HUNS).
This week has been SO DUMB like ULTIMATELY MAJORLY DUMB because my best friend Linus left on his mission to South Korea and I have literally been locked in a glass case of emotion all week because of it, like uGHH why do people have to have feelings and be awesome and cool and amazing?? LIKE REALLY
Ugh he's so cute I hATE it but it's fine.
Haha I've been such a wimpy loser this week. I apologize to anyone who has had to even slightly deal with me, I've been so emotional and silly and lame and dumb. Linus is someone who I deeply admire, for his service to others, his desire to follow the Lord's will, his amazing testimony and conversion, his riotous and borderline sacreligious sense of humor, and his friendship. He is one of my closest friends and one of the most awesome people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and I just love his face, don't you?? He's amazing! Also he cooks and in the next couple months he'll be able to speak Korean, like wow!! Linus Ryan, everyone!!
So yeah, I'm impatiently waiting for a letter back. Nothing yet but as soon as I get one... You'll know.
*trumpet sounds* So what's really cool though is that if you're new to my blog, you'll be interested to know that it used to be called "Ellie: From Mac to Marriage" and the main focus was basically my online diary as I blogged about my dear friend Mac's death and the events and growth that I experienced through that. (The whole first half of my blog pretty much focuses on that. If you so dare, I challenge you to read it without hating 16-year-old Ellie or without the grammar Nazi inside of you clawing its way out to judge my writing harshly.) Okay, it's not that bad, but it makes me cringe a little bit, haha. But really, it's all about my journey through "the valley of death" and my own personal "vale of sorrows" which is pretty cool, I think. But now my life has moved on to another focus, and that is college/young adulthood. (I'll still talk about Mac here and there though. Like as in right now.)
What's been really interesting this week having someone I was so close to, Linus, be all of the sudden gone and out of my life, is that I've been able to make parallels of the feelings I have now to the feelings I had shortly after Mac's passing. I mean, they're two vastly different experiences, but the feeling of loss is the same. I can't talk to Linus, I can't see him, he seems so close and yet so far away *dramatic stare off into distance over a lake or a cliff or something*, and there's just this weird void in my life. And so I noticed a pattern in my behavior as well. The obsessive emotional rants/letters/emails that thankfully the mature part of me refrained from sending, the loneliness that creeps in late at night (oh weird it's late and I'm sad I wonder how that possibly correlates), the constant wanting to talk about Linus, closely followed by the guilt/insecurity that I feel when I think I've talked TOO much... The list goes on, but these are all things that I did when Mac passed away. It's been really cool to see the similarities, and also really cool because I feel like I'm prepared this time around. No, no one is dead, but there has been a form of loss and it's just really interesting to see those patterns. *adjusts glasses* *sniffs pretentiously*
The psychologist inside of me never sleeps.
Ah, that sounded way creepier than I imagined.
Anyways so after all my emotions have literally exploded out of my control, I've been trying to find ways to 1.) get them freaking under my control and 2.) occupy my time so that the emotions aren't slothfully festering and boiling under the surface, but are being used or distracted enough that I won't have any emotional outbursts or accidentally break into the MTC late at night and kidnap any missionaries #lolwat
So my new goals for the semester are:
- Regular blogging! In the next week or so, I'll have ads on my blog so *hopefully* I can make some extra pocket change. In order to do that I'll need more readers so if you like my blog, or if you hate it, refer it to a friend, or frenemy, or straight up nemesis, because I blog for you, readers, and getting the word out there would mean the world to me! Like really, how else am I supposed to pay for college? (Besides my side business of dealing hard drugs on the streets of Provo. I mean?)
- Going to the temple every week! The Provo Temple is LITERALLY a 10 minute walk away and what I need now more than ever is spiritual strength and guidance. My future is all kind of up in the air right now. I don't know if I'll be doing another semester or year of school, I don't know for sure if I'll be going on a mission, I don't know how I'll be paying for this semester of school, I don't know! I have no idea! And so to deal with that, as well as the daily anxieties I am blessed with here at BYU, I will be making an effort to attend the temple every week for the rest of the semester. I really hope it works out.
- Volunteering! I haven't been able to find a second job but that doesn't mean I can't be building up my resume and my experience! http://yserve.byu.edu is an excellent resource for service and volunteer work right in Utah County and on BYU campus. I'm really excited, I will hopefully be teaching middle school students piano and I just REALLY REALLY LOVE THAT #getonmylevel
So yeah, those are the big three. I'll also be making an effort to budget my money in a less crappy way and I'll be on the hunt for a summer job (so my Colorado peeps, if you hear of anything, let me know!). I'm already on the job hunt for this summer but any extra help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you all for your amazing support. It means the world and more to me. I love you all so much! I love my BYU ward family and friends, my Colorado ward family and friends, my Bolander/Smith family, and pretty much everyone. I just love everyone. Everyone rocks. skdajhfjksdfh I love you all dearly and pray for you often. Stay swaggy!
xoxo
Ellster
P.S. My real name is Elisa *wow* *everyone is shocked* *someone probably faints*
P.S. My real name is Elisa *wow* *everyone is shocked* *someone probably faints*
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