Why Should I Fear?

I literally have no introduction to this post so it's probably gonna jump around a lot and be sad but you know, the Ellie Bolander way is the way of the yolo so... #yolo

Today (now yesterday) was May the 4th (May the 4th be with you) and it was a blast, we dressed up and got together and watched A New Hope (arguably the best of the original trilogy) and actually spent most of the night talking about boys but what else do you expect? Nerd girls have the most active hormones, I'm pretty sure. I know for a fact they have the most pent-up sexual frustration from all their love for fictional men, but hey, at least we have fun. I've also met the coolest (and cutest) dudes because of my obnoxious encyclopedic knowledge of all things Marvel, Doctor Who, and Hobbit. (Not LotR, unfortunately, I'm still not quite hardcore enough to delve all the way into that trilogy. Tolkein is still a little too over my head.)

I just reread what I just typed and I'm not even sure. SO ANYWAYS let's talk about stuff.

Other cool stuff that happened today: My first Sunday back in my home ward!! YEAHHH BUDDY it was so great. Everyone is cool. Like, the "lame" people in our ward would be considered the absolute best anywhere else. I seriously live in the best town, in the best ward, in the best stake, in the freaking best state of all anything everywhere ever. I love little podunk, white-trash Monument, Colorado and there is not a single other place I'd rather be. (Except maybe Provo, or South Korea lol idk)

But yes, it was a fantastic Sunday back in the ward. I bore my testimony on the Atonement of Christ because as my BYU ward Relief Society sisters can attest to, I literally taught every lesson (except one) I had on the Atonement. After a crazy year at BYU making mistakes and being an idiot, (which can be a total blast sometimes,) I came to know my Savior so much better than before. I came to know that He is always, always, ALWAYS there, waiting for me with open arms. I know that He lives, and I've come to know His personal love for me. Exploring my relationship with Him has been the best experience at BYU, closely followed by my in-depth studies of the Book of Mormon, and also kissing. #thatBYUlife

During second hour I was feeling pretty down, though. I had just told a bunch of people about what I learned the past year concerning the Atonement and what it meant to me and all that it did for me, and yet I felt crummy because of more recent sins. I just felt weighed down by this guilt that I couldn't shake off. I felt trapped in this cycle of lonely depression. It wasn't too horrible or severe, but it was just a weight of sadness that I couldn't remove. 

Thankfully I had the opportunity to talk with my bishop regarding my mission papers later on during church. After that talk, I felt the weight slowly melt away and I thought you know what, maybe I'm not that bad. And then something awesome happened. I came into one of the classrooms for the closing song and afterwards a sister in the Relief Society came up to me and said something like, "You know, I just feel like I really need to tell you that you are enough. You are worth it and no matter what, God loves you. You've got the whole world ahead of you. You're wonderful, and we can all see that!"

I have never had an experience where someone was prompted to tell me something like that before. It was exactly what I needed to hear. In that moment I knew that even though I didn't feel worthy, even though I felt low, I didn't need to because the Lord had seen my sorrow and He forgave me. It was that woman's incredible words of love and encouragement that helped me remember, hey, I'm alright.

Don't ever forget, you are enough. You are worth it! Even on the days you feel like nothing, you feel lower than low, you feel like total crap, there is a love that is felt for you beyond any other love you can feel. Even when you are that low, Christ suffered for your sins so that you can know that you are worth it. You are worth everything! So even when you feel discouraged, remember that you're not a nobody. (Because let's be real if you start thinking you're a nobody you're gonna have a case like Max Dillon who fell into a water tank with electric eels and was electrocuted but then turned into like an electricity monster thing which is so freaky beyond my wildest dreams and literally I'm actually terrified of Jamie Foxx now sO THANK YOU SONY AND MARVEL FOR RUINING MY LIFE WITH YOUR FREAKY AWESOME FILMING AND WRITING AND ACTING AND STUFF)

STILL NOT OVER IT

After church we all hung out and then went to little Emily Allen's baptism. The Allens have been our family friends for years. She was my piano teacher all of middle and high school, and he was our ward choir director and served in various callings in scouts and Young Men's and elder's quorum with my dad. Their kids are all growing up way faster than I can process. I remember when Emily was born, and now she's 8 and getting baptized?? Growing up is weird.

I've been to plenty of baptisms. My mom is the ward baptism coordinator so it's a normal weekend activity throughout the year. But today, maybe because I was already emotional, and maybe the Lord saw fit to bless me a whole lot, the Spirit brought constant joy and peace to my heart the whole time. When she was being confirmed a member of the Church and being given the Holy Ghost, I thought back on my baptism a mere 11 years ago. I remember sitting in a chair with my dad's hands on my head and I don't remember what was said exactly but I remember I started crying and I couldn't stop. I was really confused then. But in that moment listening to that prayer I remembered that was my first time ever feeling the Spirit. It was so powerful that it moved me to tears as an eight-year-old. I didn't know anything. I didn't know what I was doing. But I know I felt the Spirit then, and I feel it now, and I especially felt it at the baptism. It was so beautiful seeing how far I've come from that first covenant, and how I'm about to go make more covenants in the next couple months as I prepare to get my mission call and go through the temple. (I'm getting old.) I'm so excited.

But at the same time, I'm very wary. Satan has been coming at me like no other the past year. He cracked me a couple times, but I've been able to bounce back after a while, utilize the Atonement, and put up stronger spiritual barriers. I know as I get closer to my mission it'll just get harder. Be aware of how the Adversary works on you and how he tricks you and what devices and strategies he uses on you. His job is literally to bring us to destruction and misery, just like him. So be very careful when you start feeling anger or doubt or depression, that maybe Satan has found a way in. Find a way to get him away and patch up whatever crack you have in your foundation to keep him from getting in ever again, because if you leave the door even slightly open he will burst through in full force and destroy everything.

Sounds terrifying, right? Don't be afraid! Fear is not a trait of God. The Spirit does not bring fear. He might warn us, but never make us afraid. He brings peace and calm to the troubled heart and helps clear our minds to bring deeper thoughts and broader perspectives. The Spirit works alongside Heavenly Father in bringing us back to Him, and so the tactic of fear is never used on the side of the angels. As long as you are aligning yourself with God's will, keeping the commandments, and filling your life with service, scripture study, prayer, and love, there is nothing that Satan can do to get you.

"The Lord is my light, so why should I fear? By day and by night His presence is near. He is my salvation from sorrow and sin. This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring."
The Lord Is My Light, LDS Hymn #89 

 All the doubt, guilt, and pain of sin and life are swallowed up in the joy of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the everlasting love of our Heavenly Father. If you have fear, pray. All fear is swept away in the Spirit of God. He brings assurance and clarity to our hearts and minds. He loves us and will never lead us astray, so why should we fear?

Love,
Ellie

P.S. Literally go see Amazing Spider-Man 2 right now it will change your life and you will forever be terrified of Jamie Foxx in his performance as Electro who wasn't creepy until this film like dang
P.P.S. Mission papers are going in soon, like in the next two weeks. Stay tuned for more exciting news about white Mormon girl serving LDS mission!! #cantevenrightnow