Broken | Damaged | Crushed
Waking up after a bad night's sleep is never fun. Especially when your best friend died the day before.
And on that depressing note...
There I was, bright and early on a Monday morning. 5:30, to be exact. Lexi had woken and was getting ready for her first day back at school, and so I sat on her floor in our makeshift bed of sheets and pillows and cried a little bit. Her mom came in and said, "Hang in there."
All I can think of when I hear those words is that little poster of a kitten holding on to a tree branch looking depressed and adorable at the same time.
Lexi's wonderful cousin, Vanessa, came in and we talked for a long time about BYU-I, then I got to talk to Bree (Lexi's other cousin, Vanessa's little sister, mentioned in a previous post).
Quote from my journal that morning: "It's just incomprehensible to think that I won't see him or talk to him or hold him for a long time."
I then went home, packed for our Utah trip to Education Week, then picked up my books for school. How weird it is to do everyday things when life seems to have stopped in its tracks.
Kayli and her wonderful mom, Wendy, stopped by with flowers and gummy bears. How kind that little act was. It meant so much to me that someone was thinking of me. After they left, we packed up the car and made the ridiculously long drive to the airport. On the way, I received panicked phone calls from EFY Lexi, Cameron, and Christian. They all asked, "What's going on? What happened to Mac?" and I was forced to recount the sad, sad tale to them. I felt really awkward since my brothers and mom were there listening to everything I was saying, which prompted Cameron to say, "Wow, you're taking this so well. You're not even crying."
Way to make me feel good, Cam.
I had done plenty of crying, and would over the course of the next weeks and months. I told him I felt weird crying in front of my mom and brothers.
We boarded the plane and I slept the whole time, careful to avoid any intense emotions that might frighten the people around me (e.g. intense sobbing, gross sniffling, blotchy face, bloodshot eyes, etc). We met our grandparents, my mom's parents, at the airport in Salt Lake, picked up our rental car, and journeyed to Provo. That car ride was very difficult. I stared out the window and made sure to hide my tears by covering my face with my jacket and sunglasses. (Aviators, by the way. I pull them off quite nicely, if I do say so myself!) We arrived at family housing in Heritage Halls. That was tough. I was almost crazy enough to rip the list of attendees from the attendant and find the Whittle family's name.
I hope, at one point in your life, you experience loss. It is the deepest of pain, the blackest of darkness, but at the same time the most humbling of experiences. It draws you closer to God in a way you would never expect, and blesses you in a way you don't realize until much later. It gives you hope for tomorrow, and gives you comfort to know that there is a familiar face waiting for you on the other side when you pass through.
We stopped by J-Dawgs, which, btdubbs, is like magic on my tongue. Somehow, the guy at the counter knew we were from Colorado even though we weren't wearing our name tags.
Creeeepyyy...
We went back to the dorms and unpacked. My depression took over and I sobbed while I organized clothes and jewelry. Cameron called me later that night and we talked for hours about Mac. Cam told me the greatest and saddest thing I'd heard:
"Well, we were laying in our beds that night at EFY and Mac was talking, then out of nowhere he said, 'There's something different about Ellie.' I was tired and wasn't really listening, but nodded and let him keep talking. 'I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about her, and... I think I'm in love.'"
Now, Cameron had told me he didn't want to tell me over the phone, he wanted to tell me in person. But I needed something to make me feel better, and that made me feel...
AMAZING.
I was, once again, on cloud nine. Unfortunately, it didn't matter anymore, and so after that happy news I began to sob again.
I fell asleep well after midnight, full of sorrow, no room for any other emotion.
I awoke on Tuesday morning around 7:30 (AKA too early) and went back to bed. Around 8:30, Cameron texted me and I officially got up. I was alone, since everyone else had left really early (AKA 7:30). I got all pretty, then my brother came to get me. We first stopped by the Harold B. Lee library (AKA magic). On Facebook, I had lots of wall posts, messages... So much love from so many people who understood how much Mac meant to me. Their support in that dark time means so much to me still. After crying a bit at the computer in the library, Seth and I walked over to the Piano Lab Sale!! I was so excited. I practiced my Jon Schmidt song, "Homecoming". One of the guys working there, Rick, asked me if I was playing Jon Schmidt.
Um, duh. What else would I play? (Jon Schmidt is my idol. I like him in a creepy, creepy way.)
Rick then proceeded to pull out his fancy cellular device and TEXT JON SCHMIDT. WHAT!? WHAAAAAT!!! So yeah. He texted Bro. Scmidtty. Pretty sick. He said, "Hey Jon, I've got some fans of yours here that request you stop in Denver" or something like that. And Jon Schmidt REPLIED and said "Thanks Rick!" Or something like that.
That basically made my day. A bearded man that I don't know texted Jon Schmidt for me in the darkest moment of my life.
THANK YOU, RICK FROM THE EDUCATION WEEK PIANO LAB SALE!!!
We eventually went to actual classes. We ran into our wonderful and amazing Maryland friends, Avrom, Elysse, and Ezra. Later I ran into my other friends from Ed Week 2010, Emily and Nick! I met their frend Amanda, with whom I am good friends with now. We stopped by the Art Museum about 7 minutes before it closed. Seth and I then left with our grandparents and went to the Cannon Center for dinner. (Okay, quick note: The Cannon Center's food is like magic on my tongue, in a not weird way.) That was really tough for me, because the whole time I saw families there and couldn't help but think that the Whittles would have been there with us. I held in the sobs until we got to our dorm and I was alone at last.
Each night that I had to myself was a time for reflection and discovery. I was able to look inside myself and figure out what to do to make me truly happy again, or to at least help ease the pain that I felt to strongly that week. So, I drowned myself in the scriptures. The only way to really lift your spirit is to look through God's word to us and find a scripture that Heavenly Father planted there just for you. I have lists of scriptures that really impacted me, and here they are:
Matthew 1:20
Alma 26:12
Alma 37:17
Alma 37:37
John 14:27
Proverbs 14:12-13
Jeremiah 31:12
John 16:22Revelations 21:4
Alma 37:45
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C) 136:9
Revelations 20-22
D&C 46:7
D&C 24:8
D&C 19:23
D&C 18:13
D&C 11:12-14
D&C 6:23
These scriptures were neatly scribbled at the top of each page of my journal. Just these scriptures are from Monday and Tuesday alone, found by playing the Magic Scripture Trick. The way to do this: Go through something hard that you need God's help with, then open your scriptures at random and look for something that helps with your specific trial or temptation.
Wednesday and Thursday, AKA my favorite days of that week, are coming up soon. So much to say, so little time!
Quote from my journal on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011: "I love Mac and his family so much. Why them? Why now?"
Until next post,
Ellie
And on that depressing note...
There I was, bright and early on a Monday morning. 5:30, to be exact. Lexi had woken and was getting ready for her first day back at school, and so I sat on her floor in our makeshift bed of sheets and pillows and cried a little bit. Her mom came in and said, "Hang in there."
All I can think of when I hear those words is that little poster of a kitten holding on to a tree branch looking depressed and adorable at the same time.
Lexi's wonderful cousin, Vanessa, came in and we talked for a long time about BYU-I, then I got to talk to Bree (Lexi's other cousin, Vanessa's little sister, mentioned in a previous post).
Quote from my journal that morning: "It's just incomprehensible to think that I won't see him or talk to him or hold him for a long time."
I then went home, packed for our Utah trip to Education Week, then picked up my books for school. How weird it is to do everyday things when life seems to have stopped in its tracks.
Kayli and her wonderful mom, Wendy, stopped by with flowers and gummy bears. How kind that little act was. It meant so much to me that someone was thinking of me. After they left, we packed up the car and made the ridiculously long drive to the airport. On the way, I received panicked phone calls from EFY Lexi, Cameron, and Christian. They all asked, "What's going on? What happened to Mac?" and I was forced to recount the sad, sad tale to them. I felt really awkward since my brothers and mom were there listening to everything I was saying, which prompted Cameron to say, "Wow, you're taking this so well. You're not even crying."
Way to make me feel good, Cam.
I had done plenty of crying, and would over the course of the next weeks and months. I told him I felt weird crying in front of my mom and brothers.
We boarded the plane and I slept the whole time, careful to avoid any intense emotions that might frighten the people around me (e.g. intense sobbing, gross sniffling, blotchy face, bloodshot eyes, etc). We met our grandparents, my mom's parents, at the airport in Salt Lake, picked up our rental car, and journeyed to Provo. That car ride was very difficult. I stared out the window and made sure to hide my tears by covering my face with my jacket and sunglasses. (Aviators, by the way. I pull them off quite nicely, if I do say so myself!) We arrived at family housing in Heritage Halls. That was tough. I was almost crazy enough to rip the list of attendees from the attendant and find the Whittle family's name.
I hope, at one point in your life, you experience loss. It is the deepest of pain, the blackest of darkness, but at the same time the most humbling of experiences. It draws you closer to God in a way you would never expect, and blesses you in a way you don't realize until much later. It gives you hope for tomorrow, and gives you comfort to know that there is a familiar face waiting for you on the other side when you pass through.
We stopped by J-Dawgs, which, btdubbs, is like magic on my tongue. Somehow, the guy at the counter knew we were from Colorado even though we weren't wearing our name tags.
Creeeepyyy...
We went back to the dorms and unpacked. My depression took over and I sobbed while I organized clothes and jewelry. Cameron called me later that night and we talked for hours about Mac. Cam told me the greatest and saddest thing I'd heard:
"Well, we were laying in our beds that night at EFY and Mac was talking, then out of nowhere he said, 'There's something different about Ellie.' I was tired and wasn't really listening, but nodded and let him keep talking. 'I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about her, and... I think I'm in love.'"
Now, Cameron had told me he didn't want to tell me over the phone, he wanted to tell me in person. But I needed something to make me feel better, and that made me feel...
AMAZING.
I was, once again, on cloud nine. Unfortunately, it didn't matter anymore, and so after that happy news I began to sob again.
I fell asleep well after midnight, full of sorrow, no room for any other emotion.
I awoke on Tuesday morning around 7:30 (AKA too early) and went back to bed. Around 8:30, Cameron texted me and I officially got up. I was alone, since everyone else had left really early (AKA 7:30). I got all pretty, then my brother came to get me. We first stopped by the Harold B. Lee library (AKA magic). On Facebook, I had lots of wall posts, messages... So much love from so many people who understood how much Mac meant to me. Their support in that dark time means so much to me still. After crying a bit at the computer in the library, Seth and I walked over to the Piano Lab Sale!! I was so excited. I practiced my Jon Schmidt song, "Homecoming". One of the guys working there, Rick, asked me if I was playing Jon Schmidt.
Um, duh. What else would I play? (Jon Schmidt is my idol. I like him in a creepy, creepy way.)
Rick then proceeded to pull out his fancy cellular device and TEXT JON SCHMIDT. WHAT!? WHAAAAAT!!! So yeah. He texted Bro. Scmidtty. Pretty sick. He said, "Hey Jon, I've got some fans of yours here that request you stop in Denver" or something like that. And Jon Schmidt REPLIED and said "Thanks Rick!" Or something like that.
That basically made my day. A bearded man that I don't know texted Jon Schmidt for me in the darkest moment of my life.
THANK YOU, RICK FROM THE EDUCATION WEEK PIANO LAB SALE!!!
We eventually went to actual classes. We ran into our wonderful and amazing Maryland friends, Avrom, Elysse, and Ezra. Later I ran into my other friends from Ed Week 2010, Emily and Nick! I met their frend Amanda, with whom I am good friends with now. We stopped by the Art Museum about 7 minutes before it closed. Seth and I then left with our grandparents and went to the Cannon Center for dinner. (Okay, quick note: The Cannon Center's food is like magic on my tongue, in a not weird way.) That was really tough for me, because the whole time I saw families there and couldn't help but think that the Whittles would have been there with us. I held in the sobs until we got to our dorm and I was alone at last.
Each night that I had to myself was a time for reflection and discovery. I was able to look inside myself and figure out what to do to make me truly happy again, or to at least help ease the pain that I felt to strongly that week. So, I drowned myself in the scriptures. The only way to really lift your spirit is to look through God's word to us and find a scripture that Heavenly Father planted there just for you. I have lists of scriptures that really impacted me, and here they are:
Matthew 1:20
Alma 26:12
Alma 37:17
Alma 37:37
John 14:27
Proverbs 14:12-13
Jeremiah 31:12
John 16:22Revelations 21:4
Alma 37:45
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C) 136:9
Revelations 20-22
D&C 46:7
D&C 24:8
D&C 19:23
D&C 18:13
D&C 11:12-14
D&C 6:23
These scriptures were neatly scribbled at the top of each page of my journal. Just these scriptures are from Monday and Tuesday alone, found by playing the Magic Scripture Trick. The way to do this: Go through something hard that you need God's help with, then open your scriptures at random and look for something that helps with your specific trial or temptation.
Wednesday and Thursday, AKA my favorite days of that week, are coming up soon. So much to say, so little time!
Quote from my journal on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011: "I love Mac and his family so much. Why them? Why now?"
Until next post,
Ellie
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| HAHAHAHAHAHA Alma? Like the prophet? At BYU? With music and magic? HOW AWESOME IS THIS. |
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