This Too Shall Pass
Brigham Young University is seriously a place of magic and wonder.
Can you tell that I love BYU? Because I do. Hot Mormon men + freedom + The College Experience = Ellie's Dream Life.
$20 says I won't live my dream life... People rarely do.
And on that heart-crushing note...
Imagine yourself in Heritage Halls at BYU on August 17th, 2011. It was a nice day with the sun creeping through the spaces in the blinds. I finally woke up and did my hair all pretty and straight, then my brother and I ventured over to Brother Adam McBride's class in the Spencer W. Kimball Tower. I remember thinking, "I don't want to go to this class, it doesn't apply to my life at all." I was very resentful of the teen dating classes and the basic doctrine classes, because I wanted the hard stuff. (Haha.) I wanted to go deep with Gospel teachings, not just Primary stuff. But, since Brother McBride is an old friend of my dad's, Seth and I agreed to go. And let me say, that class was the beginning of something amazing in my life. During the class, Brother McBride mentioned the death of two little girls that accidentally ingested poison, then mentioned the plane crash.
My trigger was immediately set off and tears streamed down my face. My poor, poor brother sat awkwardly next to me, probably trying to think of what to do to help me out.
It's okay, bro. You're awkward. I understand.
After the class, tears still streaming, I went up to Brother McBride and saw another girl talking to him who was also crying. So I asked her, "Did you know the Whittles too?" She just nodded and then we hugged like we had known each other forever. We both cried while everyone awkwardly stood around us like, "We wanna talk to Brother McBride too..." or maybe, "I would really like to hug and cry too..."
She told me her name, Miranda. (Her middle name is Claire, in case you were wondering.) She said that she and Mac were best friends. That brought so much joy to me, because now I had some California connections that were close by! I got her number and she left, but we promised to meet up later that day and talk.
Miranda and I parted ways and I traveled to the Wilk (AKA the Wilkinson Center for you non-Cougars) and ran into two piano prodigy brothers, Michael and Daniel. I then attended a FASCINATING class about angels! I can't say exactly what I learned, because they were very spiritual and way too mind-blowing for this chick's blog.
MARVIN GOLDSTEIN AND JANICE KAPP PERRY. ARE AMAZING. FACT.
They rock my world. Don't know who they are? Google em. Because they are amazing, especially in the same room playing music for us. :)
After a riveting John Bytheway class, (AKA "John Btdubbs") I traveled to the BYU Creamery with Miranda and a small group of friends from Education Week 2010. We all sat on the lawn near Helaman Halls and Miranda and I told them all about Mac.
Here's the first time I broke someone's heart, something I regret to this day. I feel awful about it, but in my pride and nervousness I neglected to inform a certain young man whom I had been in a previous relationship with about Mac at all.
After I finished the story, this young man angrily stormed off. I felt terrible, but in my confusion and intense depression I was not capable of bringing in any drama. I just could not emotionally handle it. So I continued to not bring up the issue (until later in the week, see next post).
I checked up on Facebook to distract myself from being depressed. A funny man named Scott said to me: "I lost a friend, and as I understand it, you lost a boyfriend."
Oh em gee, Scott. Thank you for making my day sunshine, rainbows, and fruit-flavored jelly beans!
That night I sat and listened music on my handy dandy old school iPod. (2nd generation Nano, whatup.) First the song "Everybody Dies" by Dramarama came on and made me laugh. It reminded me that Mac would not want me to be all mopey. He would want me to smile and go on with life. That was one rare moment where I was able to shake off my hardcore emotion for a moment. The next song that came on was "This Too Shall Pass" by OK GO (who is amazing, btdubbs). That song made me smile, because I was once again able to heed to Bishop Kenny's council: "The sun is still gonna rise tomorrow."
Thursday. Another sad day in my life. I was able to write all my thoughts out, emotional and spiritual, in my journal during a morning class. My good friend Elysse drew me a picture with a quote that I still find amazing: "I believe in Christ like I believe in the noonday sun, not because I can see it but because by it, I see everything else." ~ C.S. Lewis. (AKA Amazing with a comb-over.) Elysse and I continued to hang out by attending Marvin Goldstein classes and getting lost in the HFAC (AKA the Harrison Fine Arts Center, AKA my future home). We found a cheesy/dramatic/hipster ad by a piano accompanist who was playing piano with his hair blowing in the wind in a big field of dead grass. (AKA Weird.) Then we found a magic room that had walls stacked with old school upright basses (AKA Boss) and then we helped a little old lady find her way out before running into JANICE KAPP PERRY and MARVIN GOLDSTEIN in the hallway. (AAHHHHH!!!) Later that afternoon I met up with Miranda. We sat on the lawn outside the Smith Field House (AKA the place where hot Mormon men workout and run and play sports and look mega attractive) and talked about Mac for a long time. She mentioned one of his exes, a crazy girl who broke his heart. (I am not a huge fan of hers.) I was able to stop and talk to my friend Taylor a little bit, too. (I'll get to him in a later post.) Unfortunately, I had to run and get ready for the dance instead of catching up. My friend Nick showed up at my dorm in a suit holding a ukulele. (Definitely interesting/boss.) We started walking from Heritage Halls to the Y Stadium, and majorly got lost. First we accidentally set off an alarm at an abandoned construction site next door, then we jaywalked at a major intersection on campus, which strengthened my fear of getting run over/fear of pain/fear of moving objects/fear of the dark/fear of people in dark cars/fear of people in general/fear of breaking the law. We FINALLY made it to the dance, alive and in one piece.
The dance was fun! Given the circumstances, I was not as happy as I normally would be, but I still had a good time. I got to meet Austin, the double-jointed magician, and Steven, the very nice ballroom dancer. (Mmm. Male ballroom dancers.) There were flashback moments when a song would come on that reminded me of Mac, but I was able to stay composed the whole time (yay me!). The last dance I saved for Mac. I stood awkwardly by myself, avoiding eye contact at all costs. (Imagine an awkward-looking girl in a skirt swaying and holding herself in a crowd of people in love.) There was a girl sitting on a bench nearby, watching me. (Creepin'.) We made eye contact and we both laughed. I then looked around and saw all the happy couples singing to each other and laughing and flirting, and I even saw some stolen kisses (!!). I bit my lip and just kept swaying. (Awkwardly. By myself. In a corner. With no friends.) It wasn't fair. I had been living my fairytale romance and perfect life, and now it was all gone. Everything had fallen apart before I could take advantage of it.
I had never known death. It never occurred to me that someone I loved could go so tragically, so suddenly. That night I cried because of the hole in my chest. The hole had been temporarily filled with the friendship and support around me. But every night as I prepared to sleep, I caved in. The emotion took over and I felt numb. I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. (I can't wrap... But I can rap.)
"Every time we say goodbye... I wish we had one more kiss."
Stay tuned.
Ellie
P.S. Sorry I'm behind on posting... Cramming for Christmas (i.e. piano recitals/performances, planning vacations, etc.) is not as fun as it sounds.
Can you tell that I love BYU? Because I do. Hot Mormon men + freedom + The College Experience = Ellie's Dream Life.
$20 says I won't live my dream life... People rarely do.
And on that heart-crushing note...
Imagine yourself in Heritage Halls at BYU on August 17th, 2011. It was a nice day with the sun creeping through the spaces in the blinds. I finally woke up and did my hair all pretty and straight, then my brother and I ventured over to Brother Adam McBride's class in the Spencer W. Kimball Tower. I remember thinking, "I don't want to go to this class, it doesn't apply to my life at all." I was very resentful of the teen dating classes and the basic doctrine classes, because I wanted the hard stuff. (Haha.) I wanted to go deep with Gospel teachings, not just Primary stuff. But, since Brother McBride is an old friend of my dad's, Seth and I agreed to go. And let me say, that class was the beginning of something amazing in my life. During the class, Brother McBride mentioned the death of two little girls that accidentally ingested poison, then mentioned the plane crash.
My trigger was immediately set off and tears streamed down my face. My poor, poor brother sat awkwardly next to me, probably trying to think of what to do to help me out.
It's okay, bro. You're awkward. I understand.
After the class, tears still streaming, I went up to Brother McBride and saw another girl talking to him who was also crying. So I asked her, "Did you know the Whittles too?" She just nodded and then we hugged like we had known each other forever. We both cried while everyone awkwardly stood around us like, "We wanna talk to Brother McBride too..." or maybe, "I would really like to hug and cry too..."
She told me her name, Miranda. (Her middle name is Claire, in case you were wondering.) She said that she and Mac were best friends. That brought so much joy to me, because now I had some California connections that were close by! I got her number and she left, but we promised to meet up later that day and talk.
Miranda and I parted ways and I traveled to the Wilk (AKA the Wilkinson Center for you non-Cougars) and ran into two piano prodigy brothers, Michael and Daniel. I then attended a FASCINATING class about angels! I can't say exactly what I learned, because they were very spiritual and way too mind-blowing for this chick's blog.
MARVIN GOLDSTEIN AND JANICE KAPP PERRY. ARE AMAZING. FACT.
They rock my world. Don't know who they are? Google em. Because they are amazing, especially in the same room playing music for us. :)
After a riveting John Bytheway class, (AKA "John Btdubbs") I traveled to the BYU Creamery with Miranda and a small group of friends from Education Week 2010. We all sat on the lawn near Helaman Halls and Miranda and I told them all about Mac.
Here's the first time I broke someone's heart, something I regret to this day. I feel awful about it, but in my pride and nervousness I neglected to inform a certain young man whom I had been in a previous relationship with about Mac at all.
After I finished the story, this young man angrily stormed off. I felt terrible, but in my confusion and intense depression I was not capable of bringing in any drama. I just could not emotionally handle it. So I continued to not bring up the issue (until later in the week, see next post).
I checked up on Facebook to distract myself from being depressed. A funny man named Scott said to me: "I lost a friend, and as I understand it, you lost a boyfriend."
Oh em gee, Scott. Thank you for making my day sunshine, rainbows, and fruit-flavored jelly beans!
That night I sat and listened music on my handy dandy old school iPod. (2nd generation Nano, whatup.) First the song "Everybody Dies" by Dramarama came on and made me laugh. It reminded me that Mac would not want me to be all mopey. He would want me to smile and go on with life. That was one rare moment where I was able to shake off my hardcore emotion for a moment. The next song that came on was "This Too Shall Pass" by OK GO (who is amazing, btdubbs). That song made me smile, because I was once again able to heed to Bishop Kenny's council: "The sun is still gonna rise tomorrow."
Thursday. Another sad day in my life. I was able to write all my thoughts out, emotional and spiritual, in my journal during a morning class. My good friend Elysse drew me a picture with a quote that I still find amazing: "I believe in Christ like I believe in the noonday sun, not because I can see it but because by it, I see everything else." ~ C.S. Lewis. (AKA Amazing with a comb-over.) Elysse and I continued to hang out by attending Marvin Goldstein classes and getting lost in the HFAC (AKA the Harrison Fine Arts Center, AKA my future home). We found a cheesy/dramatic/hipster ad by a piano accompanist who was playing piano with his hair blowing in the wind in a big field of dead grass. (AKA Weird.) Then we found a magic room that had walls stacked with old school upright basses (AKA Boss) and then we helped a little old lady find her way out before running into JANICE KAPP PERRY and MARVIN GOLDSTEIN in the hallway. (AAHHHHH!!!) Later that afternoon I met up with Miranda. We sat on the lawn outside the Smith Field House (AKA the place where hot Mormon men workout and run and play sports and look mega attractive) and talked about Mac for a long time. She mentioned one of his exes, a crazy girl who broke his heart. (I am not a huge fan of hers.) I was able to stop and talk to my friend Taylor a little bit, too. (I'll get to him in a later post.) Unfortunately, I had to run and get ready for the dance instead of catching up. My friend Nick showed up at my dorm in a suit holding a ukulele. (Definitely interesting/boss.) We started walking from Heritage Halls to the Y Stadium, and majorly got lost. First we accidentally set off an alarm at an abandoned construction site next door, then we jaywalked at a major intersection on campus, which strengthened my fear of getting run over/fear of pain/fear of moving objects/fear of the dark/fear of people in dark cars/fear of people in general/fear of breaking the law. We FINALLY made it to the dance, alive and in one piece.
The dance was fun! Given the circumstances, I was not as happy as I normally would be, but I still had a good time. I got to meet Austin, the double-jointed magician, and Steven, the very nice ballroom dancer. (Mmm. Male ballroom dancers.) There were flashback moments when a song would come on that reminded me of Mac, but I was able to stay composed the whole time (yay me!). The last dance I saved for Mac. I stood awkwardly by myself, avoiding eye contact at all costs. (Imagine an awkward-looking girl in a skirt swaying and holding herself in a crowd of people in love.) There was a girl sitting on a bench nearby, watching me. (Creepin'.) We made eye contact and we both laughed. I then looked around and saw all the happy couples singing to each other and laughing and flirting, and I even saw some stolen kisses (!!). I bit my lip and just kept swaying. (Awkwardly. By myself. In a corner. With no friends.) It wasn't fair. I had been living my fairytale romance and perfect life, and now it was all gone. Everything had fallen apart before I could take advantage of it.
I had never known death. It never occurred to me that someone I loved could go so tragically, so suddenly. That night I cried because of the hole in my chest. The hole had been temporarily filled with the friendship and support around me. But every night as I prepared to sleep, I caved in. The emotion took over and I felt numb. I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. (I can't wrap... But I can rap.)
"Every time we say goodbye... I wish we had one more kiss."
Stay tuned.
Ellie
P.S. Sorry I'm behind on posting... Cramming for Christmas (i.e. piano recitals/performances, planning vacations, etc.) is not as fun as it sounds.
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| Sethie Poo playing a rockin' upright. This is how Mormons party. |
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