Ellie's Feelings Deli

I've been struggling for the past... Heck, it's been almost two months. For the past six weeks I've had a crushing weight on my mind that hasn't seemed to go away until today. This afternoon, actually. Life has been a whirlwind of busy work for the past two weeks, what with finals for the past forever, and so I've had little time to regard things that aren't homework, exams, papers, and notes. But... Tonight I feel... Calm. Calmish, I should say. I don't have the blessing of total relaxation because I'm an insecure teenage girl and I hate waiting for a return text. Because that totally matters tonight, haha. Christmas has always been super exciting, right? You want to sleep next to the tree and catch Santa putting all the presents there, and you wake up before the sun to see what the fat man with the beard brought you. This year is different, though. This year I'm grown up. *gulp* At first I thought it was just me, but talking with friend

I only have ten minutes before my computer shuts me out and I want to see how much cool and coherent information I can fit in this blog post. First off, Winter Formal! That was Saturday. It was an enjoyable senior year experience. For us, at least. Then church. Church is always great. I always love church. Even when I hate everyone in the world I still get some enjoyment out of church. So it was a good weekend. I got to bear my testimony in Young Women's and then after church I successfully did not fall asleep, until around 7 PM... Then my mom came and woke me up at 10 PM and made me go sleep on my bed and not on the couch. MOOOooooom... Yesterday night was lovely. I went out with my lovely Becca (pictured above) after visiting my friend Avie at work (she works at a coffee shop, so hardcore). We went to Wal-Mart like the thugs we are and walked around and talked about dudes (hot dudes, ugly dudes, lame dudes, famous dudes, etc.) and then talked about dudes some more a

. . . And man, do I hope they do. So I'm sitting here at my computer working on some sheets. Sheet music, that is. I finally decided on a project for Young Women in Excellence, a little program we do once a year to show off all the pretty things we made from Pinterest and what we've accomplished. I'm excited because I get to show off my piano music I've been working on for the past year, which means finishing three songs in one day! Like a boss. So that should be tricky. But anyways, I am not writing this to brag about my talents. I'm writing to let out my frustrations and also talk about Thanksgiving! So we'll start with the happy, non-frustrating things. THANKSGIVING! One of the greatest holidays there is, I think. A whole week to celebrate food and worry about weight. Awesome. But really, Thanksgiving is fantastic. Last Sunday, I was in this kind of emotional funk and I wasn't sure how exactly to get out of it. I was trapped in the sad. &quo

Hellooooo! It's late, my contacts are killing my eyes, I'm way tired, and having three really awesome conversations with three really awesome people (Elysse, Taylor, Cheyenne). I was sitting on the couch and reblogging some Avengers stuff on Tumblr when I looked next to me on the couch and it was empty and the basement was dimly lit and it was cold and I was like, Man, this is usually how it is. I usually end up at home by myself and obsessively latch to the internet to feed my growing need to be communicating with people 24/7. So tonight was one of those nights, right, I'm juss chillin' like a villain in my (wo)man cave and I was like, Man, I'm lonely right now. And I look to my right and the plaid cotton stretches away from me for miles and miles, and it's cold and untouched, and I'm like I really need to stop thinking deeply about couches So then this line shows up in my head: "I long for you to come inside the loneliness where I reside."

Ah yes, I'm back. Look at me posting a week in a row. THE GIFS ARE HERE TO STAY, GUYS. IF YOU HATE ME AFTER THIS POST DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST I'VE FELT SINCE PROBABLY MY 13TH BIRTHDAY. So, do I qualify as a professional blogger now? . . . Well, today I am going to tell you about the deepest and most intense struggles that people will suffer through in their lifetime: The struggle for identity. It can happen any time, sometimes multiple times. If you haven't experienced this already, you've come to the right place. Some day (sooner than later, I hope for your sake) an event will occur in your life and you will start to question the motives for why you do what you do. This event may not be significant to the rest of the world, but it will cause you to look outside yourself and wonder if maybe there is more to life than whatever it is you're doing. Some fellow spiritualists might think of this as an "awakening" or maybe a "rebi

Wow, I'm the crappiest blogger ever. Because if you haven't noticed, my last post was almost 5 months ago. #winning Well, I'm back. And hopefully here to stay. Hold in your wailing and gnashing of teeth, you thought you were rid of me but I'm not going anywhere. So suck it. Ughjshgt;kahtjksgh this is how professional I am at writing, guys. I just hit the keyboard a few times while I cry and I just ugh. There are going to be a lot of "ugh"s in this post. Brace yourselves. UGH. Okay. Wow. Hello, angsty gross me. It's been a while. Alright, now that all that's out and I'm mostly done crying we're gonna actually talk about some stuff. Well, actually, I'm gonna talk about some stuff and you're gonna read about it and gossip to your friends about me and my fabulous sweaters and how I get all fangirly because Doctor Who and Avengers and Loki and I don't remember where I was going with that so I just stopped. A huge apology to

SEE WHAT I DID THERE. WORD UP. It's been a while, kids. Hrrm hrrm. Yeah, no, I'm really sorry about the whole ignoring my blog for like a year thing... I'm just really lazy. Not really. Well, I am, but life got in the way, school got crazy busy and then finals week was literally like burning in the fiery pits of the adversary. And then Prom... Actually, kids, take note. If you ever find yourself planning your own prom, just stop. Stop it. Give all the frilly flowery junk to your mom and make a smoothie or something because DANG planning your own prom is the most stressful thing you will have to do as a teenager. Srsly. So anyways... Hi! Man, I have a lot to catch up on. I don't even know where to start! Errm... Let's start with the "shortish and about men" comment I made last post. Remember? The comment I made four months ago? Or whatever. Men. Right. So there's this guy. He's basically one of my favorite people, ever. His name is S

I tried writing this post but it was just gross, so I'm writing again to make my amends. (Rhyme) California is a wonderful place full of joy and magic and sunshine and sweat and bikinis and smog. Also, I love it. For our New Years, my family and I traveled to California by car (death) to escape the cold and get sunburned and go to Disneyland. I'm only going to touch on a few experiences that I had and the feelings that accompanied those experiences. First: Driving on the freeway. (Haha, what an exciting life I lead.) We passed the exit to Mac's town. I teared up a little bit but managed to hold it in. That first night, I went outside on the driveway and stood in the exact spot where Mac and I had been. That driveway was the last place I saw Mac alive. Somehow, being there made me feel closer to him, more connected to his spirit, and more in tune with my own. I spent many lonely nights out there, channeling my sadness and trying to find my happiness again. Second