Ellie's Feelings Deli

Being in Rexburg for the last year has been the one of the harder experiences of my life. Adjusting to Rexburg from Provo was hard. My depression and anxiety spiked drastically when I got married, and I felt completely alone and isolated in a town where I had little to no support. When I tried to reach out and explain my frustrations and my heartache, I was told: "Well, at least you're married" and "You can't complain because you have a husband. I'm single and life is so much harder when you're single." (what) "BYU-I is better and if you don't like it you should just move." (what?) "I'm offended that you don't like it here. I love it, so why shouldn't you?" (what???) And my favorite, "Maybe you don't like it here because you're having ~spiritual issues." (WTF??????) These were people I barely knew, people I hadn't talked to in months, people I did not regularly talk to, people who knew n...

I read my call, and it told me I was going to Uruguay. Awesome. But then I kept reading. And it said, "You have been found as one worthy to serve..." That felt weird. I didn't feel worthy. What does that even mean, being worthy? It's tricky, I think. Trickier than just saying, you're worthy vs you're unworthy. Because when I think of being worthy, I think of how I would feel standing in front of God. And honestly, I don't think anything I do could make me feel worthy of that. So what does that mean? Being "worthy" means having merit, being a person of merit, as oppose to having worth, which means being valued, appreciated, and noble. And the thing is that people constantly mix the two together, especially in certain religious cultures, where you are deemed "unworthy" and looked down on because of something you've done. But unworthy of what? A wonderful realization that I've come to this week is that we are never, ever,...

Well, hey there, folks. Literally every time I start a new blog post I'm like, what did I talk about last time? And I can't remember because my last blog post was at least a thousand years ago. #bloggergametooweak But I've been busy working and yoloing and stuff, plus like who even cares about Ellie's blog, amirite? Can't handle all these haters :'( On the real, though, I super appreciate all the love and the fact that people actually put forth effort and suffer through every post that I author. It's an incredible show of sacrifice, selflessness, and strength. ~*inspirational*~ Speaking of inspirational, though, really, you (my readers) are so swag and too awesome. The Lord has seriously blessed me with some really cool people (including family, good friends, and awesome acquaintances) who give me strength and make me feel so good when I don't deserve it at all. Like I've said before, I am seriously a loser. A massive thank-you and bless y...

Because apparently some people can't get through their thick skulls what I tried to explain last time . So, Mormon culture. If you're a dude, you have been pretty much bombarded your whole life with the mission plan. When you turned 19 you would turn in your papers and go serve the Lord for two years, no questions asked. And if that didn't happen, people automatically thought there was something wrong with you. People still jump to the conclusion that if you didn't leave on your mission right on your 19th birthday, either you were sick or you weren't worthy to go. Which happens, yeah, but really? Can we move forward from 1950 and realize that everyone has their agency and has a decision to go or not to go? And those who are unable to go due to illness or worthiness issues aren't horrible people? After a year at BYU I met a myriad of individuals, both male and female, who couldn't serve missions because of their health. Most wanted to serve very much, esp...

I literally have no introduction to this post so it's probably gonna jump around a lot and be sad but you know, the Ellie Bolander way is the way of the yolo so... #yolo Today (now yesterday) was May the 4th (May the 4th be with you) and it was a blast, we dressed up and got together and watched A New Hope (arguably the best of the original trilogy) and actually spent most of the night talking about boys but what else do you expect? Nerd girls have the most active hormones, I'm pretty sure. I know for a fact they have the most pent-up sexual frustration from all their love for fictional men, but hey, at least we have fun. I've also met the coolest (and cutest) dudes because of my obnoxious  encyclopedic knowledge of all things Marvel, Doctor Who, and Hobbit. (Not LotR, unfortunately, I'm still not quite hardcore enough to delve all the way into that trilogy. Tolkein is still a little too over my head.) I just reread what I just typed and I'm not even sure. SO ANY...

To accompany this post, you need to put on some headphones and play "Sometime Around Midnight" by the Airborne Toxic Event, and then put on "Sovereign Light Cafe" by Keane next. Got it? Almost ready? Good. Now that we have that taken care of, let's talk about BYU. The school year has come to an end, and as I reflect on what crazy shenanigans I took part in, I can't help but feel overjoyed, slightly sorrowful, guilty, and finally consumed with thought. I am now chilling in California enjoying a much-needed break after a ridiculously stressful, emotionally- and spiritually-stretching Freshman year, and deeply missing all the people I met, all the sights and sounds, the mundane tasks that occurred every day from September to April that I didn't think of while I was doing them but now wish I could do again, the mistakes I made, the mistakes I didn't make, and the people I wish I had more time with. I think the deepest regret a person can have is th...

LIKE FURREALS WHY HAVE I NOT EVER BLOGGED ABOUT THIS BEFORE OH RIGHT BECAUSE IT HASN'T BEEN SUPER DUPER RELEVANT UNTIL RIGHT NOW Okay so let me describe to you the exotic far away place called Brigham Young University. Everyone's white. Everyone's Mormon. Everyone wants the NCMO. #shewantsthencmo #butreallytho This is so appropriate for a blog post about missions..... #whatiswrongwithme My goodness. Anyways, so missions. After the groundbreaking age change announcement made in 2012 by the prophet Thomas S. Monson, missionary work has literally EXPLODED. LDS mission applications jumped 471% in the months following the announcement. Elders and sisters alike were serving in such great numbers that new Missionary Training Centers had to be built to accommodate. BYU student housing was turned into missionary housing in Provo, Utah to accommodate those missionaries training there. There are now over 80,000 missionaries serving in more than 400 missions all over the wor...

DAAANG SON it's been a really long time, WOW I am bad at this whole blog thing. I have prayed more in the last three months than I have in a really long time. Like furreals, the Spirit is working on me nonstop and it's just crazy. I can feel Heavenly Father's love all around me, in the people I associate with, in the sunshine, in the wind, in my classes... Everywhere, God's love is there. You don't even have to look hard, you just have to feel it and it's there. He loves you and He knows you and He wants you to feel His love. Something really cool that I've learned in college is that no matter what you're doing, no matter what your goals are or what your desires are, if you are centered on Christ and his Gospel, you will be okay. If you never lose sight of that center, if you keep your eye single to the glory of God, and if you allow God to be a part of your life and guide you, you will accomplish everything you want and MORE! And on the other side a...

So college. SWAGGY. This week has been the most amazing and fan-freaking-tastic week of my life thus far. In case you didn't know I'm attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I'm living in New Heritage with the most amazing group of girls I've ever even... I don't even know, I just have a lot of emotions for them. [insert cheesy smile here] So right, if you follow this blog you'll notice I haven't posted in a thousand years. I've been dealing with things and haven't been emotionally... ready?... to write again. But now I'm ready to write again. :) Right, so I'm not really sure where to go from here. Uhh college. Sooo... Yeah. Anyways. It is currently 4:15 AM and I am hanging out with one of my roommates deep talking the Gospel and life and stuff and it's just pretty amazing, like wow. Anyways, college! Living on my own is SICK BEANS. I LOVE it, so so much. Eating Spaghetti-Os and grape juice every day is just heave...

Like, real college (no offense to Pikes Peak Community College). Er, maybe a little offense. So! I got accepted to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah and I'm 89% sure that is the school I will be attending in the fall! Whoops the GIFs are back sorry not sorry And just as a side note, let me tell you. Getting into BYU is not an easy feat. Some people just assume that if you're Mormon and you apply to BYU, you get in. OHOHO, LET ME TELL YOU. The acceptance rate at BYU for last year was 64%. Which may seem like a lot, but they had over 15,000 freshmen applications for the 2013 school year. So that leaves 5,400 students un-Cougared. Cougarless. De-Cougarfied. But I'm stoked. I FINALLY have a somewhat conclusive life plan. And by "somewhat conclusive" I mean the plan I'm going to follow until God steps in and changes my direction, my life, and my perception. Something to look forward to, I guess. One thing I'm kinda super bummed about ...

First off, SHOUT OUTS. Sometimes people ask me to mention them in a blog post so I do. Emily Vasas and Holly Daley: 'Sup, gurls. Word to your mother. Holla. Peace. *wink* And now on to the actual blog post. Sundays are my favorite days. Actually, Wednesdays are, but for the sake of this post, Sundays are my favorite days. The Sabbath day, the day of rest, gives us a chance to relax and reflect and rejuvenate our spirits. And there isn't a person on this planet who doesn't need or deserve that chance. This past week I've been reflecting on the life of Jesus Christ as illustrated by the New Testament, including his Atonement, his death, and his resurrection. In our seminary (bible study) class, we've been studying those chapters in the four gospels about the last week of Jesus's life. And in church lately we've been discussing the Godhead, composed of Heavenly Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Today the question asked in our young wo...

"new year new me lol" ~ every girl on Facebook Unfortunately I'm doing exactly that... It's a new year, and there has to be a new me. I believe in change, a constant desire to better yourself. You can still be confident in yourself and your abilities but have a goal to be a better person, because there's always room for improvement. After an utterly horrid start to senior year, I've had to change a lot of things. I dug myself into a very deep, very dangerous hole and I've been working for the past three weeks to not only climb back out, but to fill that hole up so there's no chance I can fall back in like I did before. Anyways. I have a lot of things that need to change if I want to achieve the big-headed, ambitious goals that I have. Starting with my sadness. I've been trying to pin point where these depressive moods are coming from. I have a few theories, but it's a big messy mixture of lots of things... Led by guilt and self-loathing...